Tag Archives: worry

That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.


It’s tough.

17 Nov

Does it ever seem normal to watch your kids go with their dad for the weekend?  I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with it; I’m not as lonely or bored as I once was when they were gone.  I take advantage of the time to see friends, catch up on sleep, and run errands – things I can’t do when they are at home.  However, it’s so hard to let them go.

Last night, they left before I got home  from work.  That was tough, especially since I was expecting to see them, but got stuck in traffic for 2 1/2 hours on my commute home!!  So I missed them.  However, I noticed that my ex-husband had forgotten my son’s medicine so they had to come back (in the last 10 days, my son has had both strep throat and an ear infection).  I took the medicine out to the car so the kids didn’t have to get out.  Putting them back in the car would have been nearly impossible.  I went out to the car, and gave big hugs and kisses, heard about their day.  But, when I went around to my son’s side, he raised his arms in the air and said “up, up, up…. Mommy, up!”.  I couldn’t get him out of the car or it would have been even more difficult.  When I said “no”, the crying and tears began.  I felt so helpless.  My sweet baby crying; all he wanted to do was see his mommy, and I couldn’t help him.  He had to go.  I knew he would have a good time.  But, I am haunted all weekend by his cries and sweet face looking at me, depending on me.

Truly, it sucks.

The kids are always on the road, always missing one of us.  I hate it for them.

Now, the children are with their dad, at his sister’s house, having a blast.  They are cooking for Thanksgiving, helping put lights on wreaths, and decorate for Christmas.  They are having a ball.  But, I miss them, and all I can hear in my head are my sweet son’s cries for mommy.

Welcome to my journey!



6 Jul

I’ve been on vacation all week. It’s been a really nice, much-needed, break from work… I only received one text from my boss. I expected quite a bit more since it’s been a rough few weeks. It’s been an interesting week, full of ups and downs. It’s been both a great and a crappy week! Depends on if I’m in a “glass half full” or “glass half empty” kind of mood!

We’ll start with a “glass half full” perspective too keep things positive!

Glass Half Full:

I got to spend a lot of time with both kids. We had such a fun time! We played and watched movies and read books and swam and just had fun.

On Tuesday, I felt horrible, but took Big Girl to get a pedicure (I also got a manicure and eyebrow wax), and then took Big Girl to see Brave. She was afraid for most of it, and cried and sat in my lap, but we stayed until the end because I was HOPING for a happy ending. Luckily, there was one!

4th of July Parade with the kids was a lot of fun. I found a great deal on a new wagon on CraigsList. Ex-husband picked it up and paid for it. Great to pull the kids around at the parade… and they LOVED it! After a rest and lunch, we baked cupcakes. Then, we went to my BFF’s amazing new house for dinner, swimming and fireworks. The kids (and dads… not ex-husband, he went back to his parents’) set off a bunch of fireworks over their pond. So much fun.

Because I was feeling so rough, and I broke my toe, I was able to have quite a bit of rest and relaxation. I think I’ve had a nap everyday!

The air conditioner went out so ex-husband picked up the kids at about 8:30 last night to take them for the weekend. It’s too hot for them to be here in the heat. So… I get some quiet time to myself and I didn’t get out of bed until after 11:00 this morning. It was so nice. (You can catch up on my need for sleep in my recent post, Exhaustion.)

I’ve also watched The Nate Berkus Show and Ellen this afternoon – such guilty pleasures. I love Ellen!

We had a fun time at my brother’s house. I slept a lot, and the kids all played together.

On the way home, we stopped to buy some roadside peaches, and stopped at a chocolate factory for a little snack.

Oh, and I had a phone interview this week. I think the interview went well. Well, what I mean by that is that I didn’t get off of the phone feeling like I really screwed up my asnwers. However, I did not have the experience they were looking for for this particular opening.

Glass Half Empty:

We went to visit my brother and I got sick. Spent most of the weekend in bed.

Drove the kids home, sick, feeling awful.

Ex-husband had to spend a bunch of time at the house to watch the kids since I was sick in bed.

I broke my toe.

Awkward moment on 4th of July when I had to remind ex-husband that I had plans with my friends for fireworks, and he was not invited.

Stressed about going back to work. Constant coutndown in my head. Feelings of dread and stress are never ending right now.

Air conditioner went out. Repair guy came out today. The compresser broke and oil has splattered all over the inside of the unit. The entire unit needs to be replaced. $2700.00 for a new unit. Can’t fix it until Monday, at the earliest!

Called my doctor to make an appointment to be seen; he’s on vacation this week! So, my appointment is on Tuesday morning. I still feel like crap, my toe still hurts, and I’m still exhausted. This is the kind of tired that sleep just doesn’t fix, I am afraid.

All in all, it was a week full of ups and downs, of good things and some pretty crappy things. I’m thankful for the time I got to spend with the kids. I’m thankful for the rest. I really don’t want to go back to work.

Welcome to my crazy journey!


All at Once.

7 May

For me, right now, one of the most difficult things about being a single parent is that there is not enough of me to go around.  It seems that I am always starved for time, or supposed to be in 5 places at once!  And when you have small children, you can plan and schedule everything to the most minute detail, but things will happen as the kids needs’ dictate.

Over the weekend, Baby Boy got sick… again.. 103 degree fever…  He is doing much better today, and I sent him to daycare.  However, a call to his doctor to let them know, and he needs to be seen by the doctor.  Appointment at 4:00; it’s a 20 minute drive each way.

Big Girl already has a Girl Scout event scheduled at 5:00 this evening.  No way that it’s possible  to get here there even close to on time.  Called my dad; he can’t do it because he has to pick up his wife at the airport.  So, I just texted Big Girl’s day care teacher to see if she can drop her off at the event after school.  Waiting on her response.  My next back up is my best friend who is pregnant, and who has two kids of her own.  Picking up my kid and dropping off is probably not on her agenda today either.

Then, I have a major issue going on at work that I have to be available for, and participate in resolving.  It will be handled via the telephone, but may last for hours.  It hasn’t started yet.  It was supposed to begin at noon; that was 3 minutes ago!

Three different places.  Three different hats/personas.  All at Once.

Count down is on.  I have to walk out the door for the doctor in 3.5 hours.

I need a clone… or two!

Welcome to my journey!


Three weeks.

19 Apr

What a difference three weeks makes. I have finalized my divorce, refinanced my home into my own name.  It is absolutely incredible how much room has opened up in my head, in my heart, and in my body.

Preparing for the divorce had completely consumed me. I didn’t think of much else; I couldn’t focus or think clearly or make effective decisions. I couldn’t sleep; I could barely eat.  I lost a ton of weight, was exhausted and running out of patience.  I had no energy left for anyone other than myself and my kids… mostly my kids. The smallest changes or deviations would be very difficult for me to handle.

I felt trapped in this relationship.  We weren’t living together; we weren’t divorced.  Everything was still so co-mingled, but we were moving apart.  I felt like I couldn’t go backwards or forwards on some days.  I couldn’t make long term  or short term plans because I didn’t know when “it” would be final.  I didn’t know what the final agreement would look like.  I was stuck in the middle, a place I do not like to be.

The worry and the stress and the uncertainty and the feeling of being trapped are gone. They are replaced by a new worry, a positive and hopeful outlook, a motivation to do better and an slowly increasing feeling of control.  Now, I can start making plans and moving forward.  I’m still worried about my kids, our future, money, life.  Now, though, I am in a position to make decisions which are good for me and for my children, which will move us forward in a positive and healthy way.

I am performing at a higher level at work already; my mind isn’t full and clouded anymore. I can focus. I can listen. I can remember things.  I can make complex decisions again, and justify them.

I am becoming a better mom. I have more patience than I have in a long time. I am enjoying my kids more. We are laughing a lot.  Not laughing to try to make the sad better, but laughing because we are happy.

I have more energy. I am more productive. I am not as tired as I have been. I feel like I am starting to make progress with the house, one small step at a time. Those small successes are adding up; I don’t feel like I am just spinning my wheels any longer.

Small inconveniences aren’t as big of a deal; I can deal with change more effectively.

Things just don’t seem so murky and cloudy anymore.

I feel free. Free to live my life my way. Free to raise my kids the way I see best.

I have a long way to go and continue to take small steps to make incremental progress.  I just hope it pays off!

Welcome to my journey.

Where am I?

3 Apr

I lost myself in my marriage.

Our marriage was so unhappy for such a long time that I became numb to the unhappiness. In fact, sometimes, I didn’t even realize I was unhappy.

Being in an unhappy marriage had become my new normal.

I learned how to work around it.  I found other things/ people to fill the void.  I anticipated and expected to be let down in big ways.

But then, there were those glimpses… Those RARE moments when I was happy with him. When things did click, when I would just begin to believe we could make it. That’s what I held on to for so long.  Maybe, just maybe, these glimpses could become normal for us, and we could have a happy marraige.

I tried everything I knew to repair what was broken – changed my behavior, attended couples’ counseling, moved into a nicer, larger home in a better neighborhood. Because things only became worse and worse for our marriage, I began to sink inside myself and my family… in a way, shutting out a lot of the world. Not completely, but more like not giving myself as I have before, and not being present with others as I normally would. I kept a lot inside (which I feel like I should have; our business is our business, and I feel that as strongly now as I did then). I covered up a lot. I pretended we were a happy family. I spent so much time worrying that it took up space for other important things which became neglected… like sending a birthday card, or any card for that matter. Like mailing gifts to family and friends timely. Like picking up the telephone to talk to an old friend. Like really caring and loving others as I used to.

As it progressed, I began to notice that I was not the person I used to be, and that I had not grown for the better. I was becoming a negative, sad, overwhelmed person. I was a bad wife (I had taken to checking and double checking everything my ex-husband did or said). I discounted most of what he told me because I just was tired of having my expectations shattered. I was unable to focus my energies where I believed they needed to be – being a good person, being an attentive and loving mother, being a good friend, and making good decisions. My brain was so full of negativity, and worry, and stress, and indecisiveness that I could not focus on what mattered most, and what is important to me.

I want to get rid of all of that “garbage” sitting in my head, and I want to stop focusing on the past. I know that I need to use my past and learn from my past to move forward. But, I cannot dwell on the past and allow it to mire me down.

I’m hoping that in losing myself, it will be easier to find myself?!

Welcome to my journey.


This is Really Happening.

28 Mar

I am going to go ahead and warn you that this post will be chock full of profanity!  Consider yourself warned; it’s okay if you want to stop reading here.  I understand.

It’s been a shitty day and I am so stressed out.  Divorce is the worst fucking thing to happen in my life.  I went through 2 with my parents and have harbored hatred toward those divorces ever since.  I swore that I would never get divorced, and that I would never put my children through a divorce. I fucking hate divorce.  It is a shitty thing to do to each other, and horrible to do to your kids.

My lawyer faxed over the signature page of the decree to me today.  STBEH and his attorney had already signed.  All I had to do was print and sign.  When I opened the document, my heart sank; my stomach and head began to hurt.  I texted a couple of my good friends.  It didn’t help.  I printed the form, but I couldn’t look at it.  I laid my head down on my desk and sobbed!  I mean full on sobbing;  huge tears streaming down my face!  This is fucking sucks.

Ultimately, though, I signed the document and sent back to my lawyer.  This is really happening.

Tomorrow, I spend the morning at the court house in front of the judge finalizing the divorce.  Tomorrow afternoon, I will be a divorced woman, a single mom – labels I never wanted.

This is my life’s biggest failure.

This year has come full circle from infidelity to divorce in 365 days.  It’s been a horrible year.  A year of angst, and second guessing, and harder work than I ever imagined I could do.  It’s been a year of fighting and arguing.  It’s been a year of hoping and praying.  It’s also been a year of growth and accepting reality.  And, here I am, ending my marriage  364 days after STBEH spent $1000.00 at Tiffany’s for guilt gifts for me, 365 days after the infidelity,  27 days before our 9th wedding anniversary!

Now, it’s time to move forward.  Make the best of life for me and for my children.

Welcome to my journey.


Picking up Speed.

23 Mar

Things are picking up speed, and moving forward so quickly all of a sudden. 

This divorce has been a long time coming; we had a very unhappy marraige, and despite my best efforts (and very little effort on his part), things did not improve, but instead, only became worse over time.  I finally filed divorce papers in July, 2011.  There  has been a lot of waiting, and talking and discussing, and waiting some more. 

All of a sudden, this week, things seem to be moving ahead at warp speed. 

It has seemed to take on a life of its own, almost.  Just plowing ahead.  I almost feel like I am having an out of body experience, watching this life happen, watching this process happen, and still, at times, not even able to believe it myself.  This week, I finalized the first draft of the decree with my lawyer; I believe it is extremely fair and equitable, and is driven by what is in the childrens’ best interest.  It was submitted to STBEH’s lawyer.  STBEH received it yesterday, and was furious about it.  He has a lot of questions (that is what happens when you fail to educate yourself, and when you hire a criminal lawyer for your divorce lawyer).  We spoke last night, and I think he has calmed down some.  I really hope he has.  He meets with his lawyer this morning; I just really hope his lawyer does not get him angry and irrational during their meeting.

In addition to the divorce, I am trying to refinance the house in my name so I can stay here, but my 45 day rate lock expires next week, and I need to close by Wednesday in order for it to fund timely.  I need an executed divorce decree before I can close.  We are going to try to finalize the divorce prior to the end of next week!  Unbelievable.

OH MY GOSH!  this is really happening. to me.  to us.  to our innocent children.

There is a huge part of me that is ready for this.  Ready to move on.  Ready to be free from all of the difficulties and unhappiness of this marraige.  It has not been healthy for any of us for the last few years.

There is a huge part of me that is so sad about this.  I feel horrible that we are doing this to our children.  I wish it could have been different.  Our kids deserve better.  Our kids deserve a happy family too, and I think this is our only chance to provide that for them.

There is a huge part of me that feels so guilty and ashamed about the divorce.  It is embarassing to me.  I consider this a huge failure in my life.


I think bringing divorce to closure (and consequently closing on the house) will actually help some of these emotions to begin to subside, and for some healing to begin.  With things still up in the air, it is difficult to relax.  It is difficult to focus on other things because this is always tugging at me.  So many things to negotiate.  So many things to consider. 

Welcome to my journey.


Divorce is hard. And real.

19 Mar

Tough day today.  Mixed emotions.

Just proofed the divorce decree, and had some other divorce related paperwork notarized.  Not a fun way to spend a Monday morning.  Things are in motion, and are beginning to feel like fast forward.  I feel like things have been dragging along slowly for so long, and now things are coming together.

Becoming real.  Final.  Overwhelming.

It is a weird feeling to really know that I am about to be divorced.  Not me.  I don’t even believe in divorce.  Seeing it in writing is difficult.

“IT IS ORDERED AND DECREED that [I and STBEH] are divorced and that the marriage between them is dissolved”.

Those words almost took my breath away this morning. 

It’s hard.

I wish it were easier, and then, at times, I don’t.  If it were easy, that would be problematic too.  Divorce isn’t supposed to be easy.  Neither is marriage.  I wish it didn’t have to be this way, that we could have made it work.

Welcome to my journey.


Divorce Sucks.

4 Mar

As I write this, I am sitting alone in my living room, blinds closed, messy house with tears in my eyes.  The kids are with their dad this weekend, and it sucks.

This has been a really tough weekend.  I have been so unmotivated and can barely do anything.  I’ve spent all of my energy thinking and trying to figure things out… things which I can probably never figure out.  Things that are so contradictory that don’t even make sense, yet, they are my reality.  I am not living the life I set out to live; in fact, I am living out things that I believe to be inherently wrong, and bad for everyone involved.  And I made the choice.  I believe that divorce is wrong and that it hurts everyone involved.  I belive that divorce is selfish, and sometimes, is taking the easy way out.

I am trying to figure out how to save my kids from the heartache and constant back and forth that they will have forced upon them because their mom and dad can’t get along.  You can’t just quit on family.  That’s not how it works.  Why do we, as adults, get to quit when things don’t go our way, but we teach our kids the opposite?

I’ve been thinking all weekend about what it would be like if we got back together.  Could I ever love or trust him again?  I don’t think so; things spiraled so far out of control that I cannot ever trust him again.  Trust is the crux of marraige, or any relationship, at least it is for me.  Is it worth being in a loveless marraige?  Is that good for our kids?  Sometimes, it just seems like it would be so nice for us all to be a family again, and not so messed up and complicated.  However, I think that, even if we did get back together, things would still be messed up and complicated.  He has betrayed me in so many ways and for so many years that I would be that wife that checked and double-checked everything (or eventually gave up and let him do what he wanted).  I cannot live like that; and nobody else should have to be on the receiving side of that.  It is destructive to both parties.

So I am sitting here this morning, thinking about all of this, feeling horrible guilt for what we are doing to our children, and I get a text from him “Let’s not get divorced I love u and the kids so much!”.  WTH?!  Not a good time for this!  Why are we both thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time?!

I am killing myself taking care of the children and working a very demanding job, and taking care of the house alone.  It would be so nice to have someone here to help when I need it in the early mornings or late evenings.  I am having to miss out on things at work because of committments with the kids, and vice versa.  I know that is a balance that every working mom has to deal with, but it’s out of whack now and I can’t do it all well, and feel like I am barely scraping by.  I’m getting the bare minimum done on all fronts, and it’s not enough.  It would be easier on that front if we were back together.  He could help out more with the kids and pick up some of the slack.

I don’t want my kids to grow up living out of suitcases because they have to go to dad’s every other weekend.  I don’t want my kids to have to miss out on one parent during the holidays.  I don’t want my kids to expereience the horrible heartache that comes with missing a parent so much, and knowing that their parents don’t love each other.

I don’t want to be divorced, and I cannot stay married to him.  This is a horrible mess!

Welcome to my journey!