Tag Archives: stress

The Mondays…

9 Apr

I usually spend the better part of Sunday intensely stressed out about the week to come, about the job that I dread, and all of the things that I need to accomplish personally.  I feel so behind, and it all comes together on Sundays as I try to prepare for the week to come.

I have a new babysitter who is wonderful and who is so helpful.  She has alleviated so much of my stress!

And,  Monday night is my favorite TV night of the week… The Voice and Revolution!

  Revolution Logo

I just love to watch The Voice.  My daughter and I have TV night on Mondays and Tuesdays and watch it together.  We get so into the contestants and the judges!  We both have a little crush on Adam Levine!

And, Revolution… I am so hooked on this show!  I have never been so into a show before!  Last night, I watched, and got so lost in the story that I was stressed out and had heartburn!!

Little something for me to look forward to at the beginning of a difficult week.

Welcome to my next chapter!

Sarah

 

That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

It’s tough.

17 Nov

Does it ever seem normal to watch your kids go with their dad for the weekend?  I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with it; I’m not as lonely or bored as I once was when they were gone.  I take advantage of the time to see friends, catch up on sleep, and run errands – things I can’t do when they are at home.  However, it’s so hard to let them go.

Last night, they left before I got home  from work.  That was tough, especially since I was expecting to see them, but got stuck in traffic for 2 1/2 hours on my commute home!!  So I missed them.  However, I noticed that my ex-husband had forgotten my son’s medicine so they had to come back (in the last 10 days, my son has had both strep throat and an ear infection).  I took the medicine out to the car so the kids didn’t have to get out.  Putting them back in the car would have been nearly impossible.  I went out to the car, and gave big hugs and kisses, heard about their day.  But, when I went around to my son’s side, he raised his arms in the air and said “up, up, up…. Mommy, up!”.  I couldn’t get him out of the car or it would have been even more difficult.  When I said “no”, the crying and tears began.  I felt so helpless.  My sweet baby crying; all he wanted to do was see his mommy, and I couldn’t help him.  He had to go.  I knew he would have a good time.  But, I am haunted all weekend by his cries and sweet face looking at me, depending on me.

Truly, it sucks.

The kids are always on the road, always missing one of us.  I hate it for them.

Now, the children are with their dad, at his sister’s house, having a blast.  They are cooking for Thanksgiving, helping put lights on wreaths, and decorate for Christmas.  They are having a ball.  But, I miss them, and all I can hear in my head are my sweet son’s cries for mommy.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Insomnia… Again

13 Aug

It’s Sunday night. Well, actually, it is EARLY Monday morning. Again, I cannot sleep!

Too much in my mind? Stress of the workweek to come? Unwinding after a fantastic week and weekend? Medicine? I am not sure what it is.

Interestingly enough, it was last Sunday night that I was awake until 4:00 am because I could not get to sleep. I have a feeling it is related strongly to the large amount if stress I feel about work right now. It’s tough.

I think I will go count some sheep or something. I should clean my house since I’m awake anyway!!

7:00 am will be here soon. My children will expect to be dressed and fed before school! I hope they are cooperative when they wake up – not typically the case on a Monday morning… For any of us. Especially when mommy doesn’t get enough sleep!!!

Good night… I hope!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Back and Forth

30 Jul

Kids were with their dad this weekend.  I don’t know if I will ever get used to this. 

It just kills me that the kids are constantly on the move from my house to their dad’s — until they are grown.  Back and forth every two weeks for the next 15 to 18 years. I just hate that they are constantly on the move.

I feel sorry for them.  I would hate to live that way.  My parents were divorced, but my dad lived across the country from us so we only saw him a few times a year growing up.  Not ideal either, but the constant back and forth has got to be exhausting for them!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Thankful.

23 Jul

In the last several months, I have been humbled beyond belief. 

My emotions have been stretched as far as they can to, as has my strength.  The kindness of others has been unexpected and overwhelming.

I’ve always thought of myself as a thankful and gracious person.  Oh no.  I was not.  I was, at one time, very thoughtful and considerate (I lost a lot of this during my marriage to  a hugely selfish man, and as a result of being so miserable in my marriage), and thought that I was humble and thankful and gracious.  However, I was thankful if things went my way.  If the party was planned exactly the way I thought it should be, I was thankful.  If the gift was perfect, I was thankful.  I am not selfish, and have never been selfish, but the change from being nice and being thankful and humbled is a HUGE, and is an amazing place to be.

After being brought to my knees this last year, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I have lost so much pride and envy.  For the first time in my life, I am learning to appreciate the small, simple things.  I am tremendously thankful for a phone call or a note.  I appreciate a smile.  I need so much support and help, and recently, wonderful people have been coming out of the woodwork to help me.

  • I have wonderful friends and family who call and text to check in on me, and offer help.
  • I have amazing family who supports me and who does whatever they can to help.
  • I have a great doctor who takes my health seriously and who has been dedicated to helping me get better (both mentally and physically).
  • I have a great therapist who I feel completely open to talk to and who provides me with an amazing sounding board and perspective.  There are just some things I don’t want to share with anyone in my inner circle, and she listens and helps me work through those things.
  • I have healthy, funny, loving, amazing kids whom I absolutely adore.
  • Our new babysitter/housekeeper is working out great.  My kids adore her, and she is such a hard worker.  So much of a load off of my back, and I really need the help right now.
  • I have this blog which I love doing with wonderful followers.  And, just the simple act of writing is therapeutic and helps me organize my emotions and thoughts.  I work so much out just writing here.

And, the big things are amazing too.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful family and friends.

When I got sick, my mom re-routed her vacation to fly to my house and spend the better part of a week to help me 24/7.  She cleaned, cooked, grocery shopped, got up with Baby Boy in the middle of the night, fed kids, took kids to school, picked up kids in afternoon, baths — really just about everything.  So that I could rest.  I sent her home weary and ready for a long nap over the weekend, I am sure; although, she would never admit it.

My amazing brother and his kids came in Friday night.  My brother worked on a bunch of projects around the house – hanging shelving, moving curtains, hung cool wire to hang the kids’ art work int he play room.  He also helped cook and clean up dishes… and he got up with 3 of the 4 kids on Saturday morning, got them snacks and milk and diapered.  Then he got donuts for everyone.

My dad was also in town this weekend, and he fixed one of my broken sprinkler heads (I’ve had a geyser in my front yard this week)!  He also programmed the sprinkler system for me so it waters when it is supposed to.

Physically, I am feeling so much better – not 100% by any stretch, but I have a voice; my cough is minimal.  I’m keeping food down.  I feel so much better.  Another doctor appointment tomorrow to follow up on bronchitis and re-evaulate the other issues.

My cup runneth over today.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

I really am sick.

10 Jul

Went to the doctor today. My real doctor. Not to be confused with the urgent care clinic I went to on Sunday. Despite the fact that I did not have a sore throat or ears, they insisted on doing a strep test. Not surprisingly, it came back negative. The doctor came in and told me that since my throat hurt and I had been vomiting, she was going to treat me for strep. Ummmm. My throat does not hurt, and I have not been vomiting. “Just in case”, she wanted to treat me for strep even though I had no symptoms and the test was negative! So I walked out with prescriptions to treat strep. I did not fill them.

That gets me back to where I started. I went to my doctor today. Waiting on medicine at the pharmacy now… Bronchitis, laryngitis, digestive issues, and anxiety. Good times! Y’all, I don’t mess around. When I’m sick, I am sick.

Back to work for now. Well see how long I can make it!

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah

Vacation.

6 Jul

I’ve been on vacation all week. It’s been a really nice, much-needed, break from work… I only received one text from my boss. I expected quite a bit more since it’s been a rough few weeks. It’s been an interesting week, full of ups and downs. It’s been both a great and a crappy week! Depends on if I’m in a “glass half full” or “glass half empty” kind of mood!

We’ll start with a “glass half full” perspective too keep things positive!

Glass Half Full:

I got to spend a lot of time with both kids. We had such a fun time! We played and watched movies and read books and swam and just had fun.

On Tuesday, I felt horrible, but took Big Girl to get a pedicure (I also got a manicure and eyebrow wax), and then took Big Girl to see Brave. She was afraid for most of it, and cried and sat in my lap, but we stayed until the end because I was HOPING for a happy ending. Luckily, there was one!

4th of July Parade with the kids was a lot of fun. I found a great deal on a new wagon on CraigsList. Ex-husband picked it up and paid for it. Great to pull the kids around at the parade… and they LOVED it! After a rest and lunch, we baked cupcakes. Then, we went to my BFF’s amazing new house for dinner, swimming and fireworks. The kids (and dads… not ex-husband, he went back to his parents’) set off a bunch of fireworks over their pond. So much fun.

Because I was feeling so rough, and I broke my toe, I was able to have quite a bit of rest and relaxation. I think I’ve had a nap everyday!

The air conditioner went out so ex-husband picked up the kids at about 8:30 last night to take them for the weekend. It’s too hot for them to be here in the heat. So… I get some quiet time to myself and I didn’t get out of bed until after 11:00 this morning. It was so nice. (You can catch up on my need for sleep in my recent post, Exhaustion.)

I’ve also watched The Nate Berkus Show and Ellen this afternoon – such guilty pleasures. I love Ellen!

We had a fun time at my brother’s house. I slept a lot, and the kids all played together.

On the way home, we stopped to buy some roadside peaches, and stopped at a chocolate factory for a little snack.

Oh, and I had a phone interview this week. I think the interview went well. Well, what I mean by that is that I didn’t get off of the phone feeling like I really screwed up my asnwers. However, I did not have the experience they were looking for for this particular opening.

Glass Half Empty:

We went to visit my brother and I got sick. Spent most of the weekend in bed.

Drove the kids home, sick, feeling awful.

Ex-husband had to spend a bunch of time at the house to watch the kids since I was sick in bed.

I broke my toe.

Awkward moment on 4th of July when I had to remind ex-husband that I had plans with my friends for fireworks, and he was not invited.

Stressed about going back to work. Constant coutndown in my head. Feelings of dread and stress are never ending right now.

Air conditioner went out. Repair guy came out today. The compresser broke and oil has splattered all over the inside of the unit. The entire unit needs to be replaced. $2700.00 for a new unit. Can’t fix it until Monday, at the earliest!

Called my doctor to make an appointment to be seen; he’s on vacation this week! So, my appointment is on Tuesday morning. I still feel like crap, my toe still hurts, and I’m still exhausted. This is the kind of tired that sleep just doesn’t fix, I am afraid.

All in all, it was a week full of ups and downs, of good things and some pretty crappy things. I’m thankful for the time I got to spend with the kids. I’m thankful for the rest. I really don’t want to go back to work.

Welcome to my crazy journey!

Sarah

Bad day at work.

16 Jun

I almost quit my job yesterday. My new boss, whom I used to be professional friends with, is being a real jerk.

Yesterday during a one on one conversation, he asked me if the kids were in daycare for the summer. After explaining that Big Girl had been at camp, and Baby Boy continued his regular day care routine… My boss stood up, closed the door, and asked my why he had heard a baby crying in the background when we had been on the phone recently. I have no idea what he is talking about . The poor baby is in daycare for 9-10 hours per day, and absolutely craves my attention he gets after he gets home. Yet my boss is not only accusing me of having him home with me. He is also accusing me of lying to him about it.

I work my ass off for him. I give up a ridiculous amount of my personal time for that company. I have a ridiculous workload.

For him to even insinuate that I am home with my children instead of working is insulting and hurtful. I would love to be home with my children. I feel like my job had not allowed me to do so many things with them that I would love to do. I am emotionally and physically drained at the end of the workday. I have sacrificed a great deal of my personal life and time with my children for this job.

During the same conversation, he also told me that I needed to try to be more flexible with my Christmas plans since our whole team requested the same week off. I told him that I had the kids for Christmas and really didn’t want to give them up, but could talk to my ex-husband to try to work something out. He said I should do that. Really? You want me to give up Christmas Day with my young children?!

Fuck you!

I woke up this morning itching, my body broken out in hives from the stress.

I didn’t quit job, but it will be very difficult not to while I seek a new opportunity.

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah

Three weeks.

19 Apr

What a difference three weeks makes. I have finalized my divorce, refinanced my home into my own name.  It is absolutely incredible how much room has opened up in my head, in my heart, and in my body.

Preparing for the divorce had completely consumed me. I didn’t think of much else; I couldn’t focus or think clearly or make effective decisions. I couldn’t sleep; I could barely eat.  I lost a ton of weight, was exhausted and running out of patience.  I had no energy left for anyone other than myself and my kids… mostly my kids. The smallest changes or deviations would be very difficult for me to handle.

I felt trapped in this relationship.  We weren’t living together; we weren’t divorced.  Everything was still so co-mingled, but we were moving apart.  I felt like I couldn’t go backwards or forwards on some days.  I couldn’t make long term  or short term plans because I didn’t know when “it” would be final.  I didn’t know what the final agreement would look like.  I was stuck in the middle, a place I do not like to be.

The worry and the stress and the uncertainty and the feeling of being trapped are gone. They are replaced by a new worry, a positive and hopeful outlook, a motivation to do better and an slowly increasing feeling of control.  Now, I can start making plans and moving forward.  I’m still worried about my kids, our future, money, life.  Now, though, I am in a position to make decisions which are good for me and for my children, which will move us forward in a positive and healthy way.

I am performing at a higher level at work already; my mind isn’t full and clouded anymore. I can focus. I can listen. I can remember things.  I can make complex decisions again, and justify them.

I am becoming a better mom. I have more patience than I have in a long time. I am enjoying my kids more. We are laughing a lot.  Not laughing to try to make the sad better, but laughing because we are happy.

I have more energy. I am more productive. I am not as tired as I have been. I feel like I am starting to make progress with the house, one small step at a time. Those small successes are adding up; I don’t feel like I am just spinning my wheels any longer.

Small inconveniences aren’t as big of a deal; I can deal with change more effectively.

Things just don’t seem so murky and cloudy anymore.

I feel free. Free to live my life my way. Free to raise my kids the way I see best.

I have a long way to go and continue to take small steps to make incremental progress.  I just hope it pays off!

Welcome to my journey.
Sarah