Tag Archives: stress

The Mondays…

9 Apr

I usually spend the better part of Sunday intensely stressed out about the week to come, about the job that I dread, and all of the things that I need to accomplish personally.  I feel so behind, and it all comes together on Sundays as I try to prepare for the week to come.

I have a new babysitter who is wonderful and who is so helpful.  She has alleviated so much of my stress!

And,  Monday night is my favorite TV night of the week… The Voice and Revolution!

  Revolution Logo

I just love to watch The Voice.  My daughter and I have TV night on Mondays and Tuesdays and watch it together.  We get so into the contestants and the judges!  We both have a little crush on Adam Levine!

And, Revolution… I am so hooked on this show!  I have never been so into a show before!  Last night, I watched, and got so lost in the story that I was stressed out and had heartburn!!

Little something for me to look forward to at the beginning of a difficult week.

Welcome to my next chapter!

Sarah

 

That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

It’s tough.

17 Nov

Does it ever seem normal to watch your kids go with their dad for the weekend?  I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with it; I’m not as lonely or bored as I once was when they were gone.  I take advantage of the time to see friends, catch up on sleep, and run errands – things I can’t do when they are at home.  However, it’s so hard to let them go.

Last night, they left before I got home  from work.  That was tough, especially since I was expecting to see them, but got stuck in traffic for 2 1/2 hours on my commute home!!  So I missed them.  However, I noticed that my ex-husband had forgotten my son’s medicine so they had to come back (in the last 10 days, my son has had both strep throat and an ear infection).  I took the medicine out to the car so the kids didn’t have to get out.  Putting them back in the car would have been nearly impossible.  I went out to the car, and gave big hugs and kisses, heard about their day.  But, when I went around to my son’s side, he raised his arms in the air and said “up, up, up…. Mommy, up!”.  I couldn’t get him out of the car or it would have been even more difficult.  When I said “no”, the crying and tears began.  I felt so helpless.  My sweet baby crying; all he wanted to do was see his mommy, and I couldn’t help him.  He had to go.  I knew he would have a good time.  But, I am haunted all weekend by his cries and sweet face looking at me, depending on me.

Truly, it sucks.

The kids are always on the road, always missing one of us.  I hate it for them.

Now, the children are with their dad, at his sister’s house, having a blast.  They are cooking for Thanksgiving, helping put lights on wreaths, and decorate for Christmas.  They are having a ball.  But, I miss them, and all I can hear in my head are my sweet son’s cries for mommy.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Insomnia… Again

13 Aug

It’s Sunday night. Well, actually, it is EARLY Monday morning. Again, I cannot sleep!

Too much in my mind? Stress of the workweek to come? Unwinding after a fantastic week and weekend? Medicine? I am not sure what it is.

Interestingly enough, it was last Sunday night that I was awake until 4:00 am because I could not get to sleep. I have a feeling it is related strongly to the large amount if stress I feel about work right now. It’s tough.

I think I will go count some sheep or something. I should clean my house since I’m awake anyway!!

7:00 am will be here soon. My children will expect to be dressed and fed before school! I hope they are cooperative when they wake up – not typically the case on a Monday morning… For any of us. Especially when mommy doesn’t get enough sleep!!!

Good night… I hope!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Back and Forth

30 Jul

Kids were with their dad this weekend.  I don’t know if I will ever get used to this. 

It just kills me that the kids are constantly on the move from my house to their dad’s — until they are grown.  Back and forth every two weeks for the next 15 to 18 years. I just hate that they are constantly on the move.

I feel sorry for them.  I would hate to live that way.  My parents were divorced, but my dad lived across the country from us so we only saw him a few times a year growing up.  Not ideal either, but the constant back and forth has got to be exhausting for them!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Thankful.

23 Jul

In the last several months, I have been humbled beyond belief. 

My emotions have been stretched as far as they can to, as has my strength.  The kindness of others has been unexpected and overwhelming.

I’ve always thought of myself as a thankful and gracious person.  Oh no.  I was not.  I was, at one time, very thoughtful and considerate (I lost a lot of this during my marriage to  a hugely selfish man, and as a result of being so miserable in my marriage), and thought that I was humble and thankful and gracious.  However, I was thankful if things went my way.  If the party was planned exactly the way I thought it should be, I was thankful.  If the gift was perfect, I was thankful.  I am not selfish, and have never been selfish, but the change from being nice and being thankful and humbled is a HUGE, and is an amazing place to be.

After being brought to my knees this last year, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I have lost so much pride and envy.  For the first time in my life, I am learning to appreciate the small, simple things.  I am tremendously thankful for a phone call or a note.  I appreciate a smile.  I need so much support and help, and recently, wonderful people have been coming out of the woodwork to help me.

  • I have wonderful friends and family who call and text to check in on me, and offer help.
  • I have amazing family who supports me and who does whatever they can to help.
  • I have a great doctor who takes my health seriously and who has been dedicated to helping me get better (both mentally and physically).
  • I have a great therapist who I feel completely open to talk to and who provides me with an amazing sounding board and perspective.  There are just some things I don’t want to share with anyone in my inner circle, and she listens and helps me work through those things.
  • I have healthy, funny, loving, amazing kids whom I absolutely adore.
  • Our new babysitter/housekeeper is working out great.  My kids adore her, and she is such a hard worker.  So much of a load off of my back, and I really need the help right now.
  • I have this blog which I love doing with wonderful followers.  And, just the simple act of writing is therapeutic and helps me organize my emotions and thoughts.  I work so much out just writing here.

And, the big things are amazing too.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful family and friends.

When I got sick, my mom re-routed her vacation to fly to my house and spend the better part of a week to help me 24/7.  She cleaned, cooked, grocery shopped, got up with Baby Boy in the middle of the night, fed kids, took kids to school, picked up kids in afternoon, baths — really just about everything.  So that I could rest.  I sent her home weary and ready for a long nap over the weekend, I am sure; although, she would never admit it.

My amazing brother and his kids came in Friday night.  My brother worked on a bunch of projects around the house – hanging shelving, moving curtains, hung cool wire to hang the kids’ art work int he play room.  He also helped cook and clean up dishes… and he got up with 3 of the 4 kids on Saturday morning, got them snacks and milk and diapered.  Then he got donuts for everyone.

My dad was also in town this weekend, and he fixed one of my broken sprinkler heads (I’ve had a geyser in my front yard this week)!  He also programmed the sprinkler system for me so it waters when it is supposed to.

Physically, I am feeling so much better – not 100% by any stretch, but I have a voice; my cough is minimal.  I’m keeping food down.  I feel so much better.  Another doctor appointment tomorrow to follow up on bronchitis and re-evaulate the other issues.

My cup runneth over today.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

I really am sick.

10 Jul

Went to the doctor today. My real doctor. Not to be confused with the urgent care clinic I went to on Sunday. Despite the fact that I did not have a sore throat or ears, they insisted on doing a strep test. Not surprisingly, it came back negative. The doctor came in and told me that since my throat hurt and I had been vomiting, she was going to treat me for strep. Ummmm. My throat does not hurt, and I have not been vomiting. “Just in case”, she wanted to treat me for strep even though I had no symptoms and the test was negative! So I walked out with prescriptions to treat strep. I did not fill them.

That gets me back to where I started. I went to my doctor today. Waiting on medicine at the pharmacy now… Bronchitis, laryngitis, digestive issues, and anxiety. Good times! Y’all, I don’t mess around. When I’m sick, I am sick.

Back to work for now. Well see how long I can make it!

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah