Tag Archives: overwhelmed

That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

Thankful.

23 Jul

In the last several months, I have been humbled beyond belief. 

My emotions have been stretched as far as they can to, as has my strength.  The kindness of others has been unexpected and overwhelming.

I’ve always thought of myself as a thankful and gracious person.  Oh no.  I was not.  I was, at one time, very thoughtful and considerate (I lost a lot of this during my marriage to  a hugely selfish man, and as a result of being so miserable in my marriage), and thought that I was humble and thankful and gracious.  However, I was thankful if things went my way.  If the party was planned exactly the way I thought it should be, I was thankful.  If the gift was perfect, I was thankful.  I am not selfish, and have never been selfish, but the change from being nice and being thankful and humbled is a HUGE, and is an amazing place to be.

After being brought to my knees this last year, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I have lost so much pride and envy.  For the first time in my life, I am learning to appreciate the small, simple things.  I am tremendously thankful for a phone call or a note.  I appreciate a smile.  I need so much support and help, and recently, wonderful people have been coming out of the woodwork to help me.

  • I have wonderful friends and family who call and text to check in on me, and offer help.
  • I have amazing family who supports me and who does whatever they can to help.
  • I have a great doctor who takes my health seriously and who has been dedicated to helping me get better (both mentally and physically).
  • I have a great therapist who I feel completely open to talk to and who provides me with an amazing sounding board and perspective.  There are just some things I don’t want to share with anyone in my inner circle, and she listens and helps me work through those things.
  • I have healthy, funny, loving, amazing kids whom I absolutely adore.
  • Our new babysitter/housekeeper is working out great.  My kids adore her, and she is such a hard worker.  So much of a load off of my back, and I really need the help right now.
  • I have this blog which I love doing with wonderful followers.  And, just the simple act of writing is therapeutic and helps me organize my emotions and thoughts.  I work so much out just writing here.

And, the big things are amazing too.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful family and friends.

When I got sick, my mom re-routed her vacation to fly to my house and spend the better part of a week to help me 24/7.  She cleaned, cooked, grocery shopped, got up with Baby Boy in the middle of the night, fed kids, took kids to school, picked up kids in afternoon, baths — really just about everything.  So that I could rest.  I sent her home weary and ready for a long nap over the weekend, I am sure; although, she would never admit it.

My amazing brother and his kids came in Friday night.  My brother worked on a bunch of projects around the house – hanging shelving, moving curtains, hung cool wire to hang the kids’ art work int he play room.  He also helped cook and clean up dishes… and he got up with 3 of the 4 kids on Saturday morning, got them snacks and milk and diapered.  Then he got donuts for everyone.

My dad was also in town this weekend, and he fixed one of my broken sprinkler heads (I’ve had a geyser in my front yard this week)!  He also programmed the sprinkler system for me so it waters when it is supposed to.

Physically, I am feeling so much better – not 100% by any stretch, but I have a voice; my cough is minimal.  I’m keeping food down.  I feel so much better.  Another doctor appointment tomorrow to follow up on bronchitis and re-evaulate the other issues.

My cup runneth over today.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

I really am sick.

10 Jul

Went to the doctor today. My real doctor. Not to be confused with the urgent care clinic I went to on Sunday. Despite the fact that I did not have a sore throat or ears, they insisted on doing a strep test. Not surprisingly, it came back negative. The doctor came in and told me that since my throat hurt and I had been vomiting, she was going to treat me for strep. Ummmm. My throat does not hurt, and I have not been vomiting. “Just in case”, she wanted to treat me for strep even though I had no symptoms and the test was negative! So I walked out with prescriptions to treat strep. I did not fill them.

That gets me back to where I started. I went to my doctor today. Waiting on medicine at the pharmacy now… Bronchitis, laryngitis, digestive issues, and anxiety. Good times! Y’all, I don’t mess around. When I’m sick, I am sick.

Back to work for now. Well see how long I can make it!

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah

Vacation.

6 Jul

I’ve been on vacation all week. It’s been a really nice, much-needed, break from work… I only received one text from my boss. I expected quite a bit more since it’s been a rough few weeks. It’s been an interesting week, full of ups and downs. It’s been both a great and a crappy week! Depends on if I’m in a “glass half full” or “glass half empty” kind of mood!

We’ll start with a “glass half full” perspective too keep things positive!

Glass Half Full:

I got to spend a lot of time with both kids. We had such a fun time! We played and watched movies and read books and swam and just had fun.

On Tuesday, I felt horrible, but took Big Girl to get a pedicure (I also got a manicure and eyebrow wax), and then took Big Girl to see Brave. She was afraid for most of it, and cried and sat in my lap, but we stayed until the end because I was HOPING for a happy ending. Luckily, there was one!

4th of July Parade with the kids was a lot of fun. I found a great deal on a new wagon on CraigsList. Ex-husband picked it up and paid for it. Great to pull the kids around at the parade… and they LOVED it! After a rest and lunch, we baked cupcakes. Then, we went to my BFF’s amazing new house for dinner, swimming and fireworks. The kids (and dads… not ex-husband, he went back to his parents’) set off a bunch of fireworks over their pond. So much fun.

Because I was feeling so rough, and I broke my toe, I was able to have quite a bit of rest and relaxation. I think I’ve had a nap everyday!

The air conditioner went out so ex-husband picked up the kids at about 8:30 last night to take them for the weekend. It’s too hot for them to be here in the heat. So… I get some quiet time to myself and I didn’t get out of bed until after 11:00 this morning. It was so nice. (You can catch up on my need for sleep in my recent post, Exhaustion.)

I’ve also watched The Nate Berkus Show and Ellen this afternoon – such guilty pleasures. I love Ellen!

We had a fun time at my brother’s house. I slept a lot, and the kids all played together.

On the way home, we stopped to buy some roadside peaches, and stopped at a chocolate factory for a little snack.

Oh, and I had a phone interview this week. I think the interview went well. Well, what I mean by that is that I didn’t get off of the phone feeling like I really screwed up my asnwers. However, I did not have the experience they were looking for for this particular opening.

Glass Half Empty:

We went to visit my brother and I got sick. Spent most of the weekend in bed.

Drove the kids home, sick, feeling awful.

Ex-husband had to spend a bunch of time at the house to watch the kids since I was sick in bed.

I broke my toe.

Awkward moment on 4th of July when I had to remind ex-husband that I had plans with my friends for fireworks, and he was not invited.

Stressed about going back to work. Constant coutndown in my head. Feelings of dread and stress are never ending right now.

Air conditioner went out. Repair guy came out today. The compresser broke and oil has splattered all over the inside of the unit. The entire unit needs to be replaced. $2700.00 for a new unit. Can’t fix it until Monday, at the earliest!

Called my doctor to make an appointment to be seen; he’s on vacation this week! So, my appointment is on Tuesday morning. I still feel like crap, my toe still hurts, and I’m still exhausted. This is the kind of tired that sleep just doesn’t fix, I am afraid.

All in all, it was a week full of ups and downs, of good things and some pretty crappy things. I’m thankful for the time I got to spend with the kids. I’m thankful for the rest. I really don’t want to go back to work.

Welcome to my crazy journey!

Sarah

Exhaustion.

4 Jul

I am on vacation this week.  I had planned to spend the week playing with the kids, and just relaxing and enjoying my time with them.  I have been so excited about taking this week off.  Work has just been horrible lately, and I haven’t found another job yet.  I am so stressed out with the kids, and feel like I am pulled in too many directions.  At night, I feel like a zombie just getting through it all until bedtime.

I really needed this vacation.  I need some room to breathe and relax and regroup.

But, I got sick on Friday afternoon and have been in bed most of the week. We went to my brother’s house for the weekend, and I slept most of the time we were there.  I drove us all home, but went straight to bed when we got home. Yesterday, Big Girl and I got pedicures and went to a movie.  When I got home I had fever, and went straight to bed. 

 This is miserable.

Today, I am starting to feel a little better; I am just so tired, and  I am in really slow motion.  I cannot think very clearly; my brain feels like mush.

I think I am suffering from true exhaustion.  I feel like I have been running on adrenaline for over a year, and my body is now coming to a screeching halt.  Like a train trying to stop before it hits a car on the tracks, my body’s brakes are screeching, but my life is still moving ahead in fast forward.  My body needs to stop and rest, and my life does not have time for it.  I am run down.  I am getting so thin.  I have no energy.  I am irritable.  I am tired.  I feel so overwhelmed.  My thinking is clouded.  I have no concentration.

I am completely burnt out at work.  I have limited resources for help.  My mom and dad live 1/2 way across the country so I can’t just call and ask them to come by for a few hours to help.  My brother lives 4 hours away, and has a young family of his own.  Although, they all do what they can, it just isn’t practical to call them when I need a break.

There are some babysitters we know who are very good.  I’m not opposed to letting my kids stay with them; I have before, but, like everything else, they cost money.  Monday I don’t really have .  But, I need to find a way.  I need to figure out a way to get some space, and some rest and to feel better.

I need to get better; my kids need me to get better.  I need to take care of myself to be a good mom to them.

I need to figure out some solutions.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

I stayed too long.

15 May

I think I stayed in my marriage too long.  Sort of.

I was so unhappy in my marriage for so many years.  There were so many things wrong; ultimately, I had just married the wrong person for me. It turns out that we created two amazing children together, but we were not good together as husband and wife.  Had I not stayed as long as I did, I would not have my precious children.

I loved my ex-husband so much when I married him.  I thought he was perfect – perhaps that should have been a red flag.  Almost immediately after we got married, things changed dramatically.  He no longer wanted to be involved in my life.  He wanted to be anywhere but home.  I changed, too, in response to him.  I became someone who was controlling and weak at the same time.  I became a woman who desperately wanted her husband to love her, and who, by her actions to do so, turned her husband away even more than he was.  We went to counselling for years. 

It was like a roller coaster.

When things were good, they were really, really good.  We were so happy and had such fun times.  We laughed and did fun things together.  Then, I would find out about something he had done, and things would get horrible for months on end – we would not speak, we would nit-pick every single thing.  Then, it would get better.    Years and years of this cycle, and it was exhausting trying to keep up, and wondering when the other shoe would drop, knowing that the good times were temporary.  Knowing that the next bad thing was just around the corning, each time worse than the last.

Yet, I hoped and I prayed, and I sought counseling and I loved anyway.

And still, things just got worse.  I grieved my marriage throughout these years of unhappiness.  I broke away, and learned how to depend on myself and take care of things myself.  I gave up on a lot of things that he was involved in.  I quit caring about a lot of things because the energy it took to stay in my marriage was all-consuming.

When I found out about the inappropriate behavior (the infidelity as I define it; he doesn’t see it the same way), I was, in part, relieved.  I was pissed, and I was relieved.  I was only a little sad; I had already done so much grieving and so much separating of myself and my emotions.  Finally, I had a GOOD reason to leave.  Finally, I could feel good about making a decision to leave.  I never felt that there was enough to justify leaving; I felt like we could work things out and I could try harder.  But, with the infidelity, that was a good reason for me.  But I still held out hope.  Had he made any effort to really make some changes, I would have stayed anyway, even though I didn’t love him. 

I so desperately wanted my family in tact.  I wanted my kids to have a whole family.

So, I started the divorce process; it went so slowly at first, and then picked up speed so quickly at the end.  It was pure hell.

But now, I am becoming myself again.  I am getting happier.  I don’t have the stress of uncertainty of my ex-husband’s stupid decisions because they no longer directly affect me.  The inconsistency and ups and downs are evening out.  And it is so nice!  Now, we are all learning how to be a new family.  It’s a transition, and it’s not easy.  It requires a lot of tongue biting and still requires give and take. 

Still a long road ahead, but progress is being made each day.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Closet is clean.

24 Apr

I had such a great weekend this weekend, in a single mom kind of way. I went to the office yesterday, and heard everyone else talking about their weekend; mine was a little different, but great all the same!

The kids were in and out all weekend, but I had Friday and Saturday nights to my self ; it was so nice. On Saturday night, I decided that I needed to tackle a project. My closet is a WRECK! I really haven’t touched it since my ex-husband moved out in November! Some of his stuff was still in there, and my stuff was all on one side. In addition, it has become our storage closet as well. The floor was so cluttered with stuff that I couldn’t even walk to the back of the closet! And, not to mention the laundry piled up!

BEFORE:

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I worked for an hour or so Saturday night, and then several hours Sunday morning.

I finished almost all of the laundry, including the kids. I cleaned out the entire closet and vacuumed it – which is a huge accomplishment because before I cleaned it, the floor was not visible to vacuum!

AFTER:

20120424-124744.jpg20120424-124752.jpg

Since my closet looked so clean, my bedroom could not be outdone, so I cleaned it too! Now, I have a HUGE pile of things to get rid of and donate sitting on my bedroom floor. I need to get donation truck scheduled soon just as soon as I log everything in the pile!!  Next step for the closet is beautification!  I’ll take organized and clean for now.

Too much stuff is becoming a burden and a little paralyzing! I love to shop, but am trying to prioritize and be thoughtful in my purchases. Right now, I need some larger ticket items that I am budgeting for and planning for. I am reducing my spend on the “stuff” that adds up (not only financially, but is taking over my house)!

Oh my goodness. What a sense of accomplishment! I like to have organized spaces, and I have been feeling that my entire house is disorganized for far too long. This was the first step, a motivating step to getting more things organized around here.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

10 minutes.

18 Apr

I don’t have a whole lot of extra time.  I don’t think many of us do these days.  I also am not superwoman; I like to sleep.  I need 8-10 hours of sleep on most nights in order to function normally during the day.  I know, to some, that really is a luxury.  It’s not one I am willing to sacrifice, and it gives me less time to accomplish things.  I know, I know…

So, in spite of that, I need to get my life and my home organized.  I’m trying a few things to see how they go, and what is effective for me. I don’t have a lot of time on any given day.  I don’t have a lot of time on the weekends; in only three weeks, our custody schedule is all over the place, and this weekend will be #3 having at least one child with me.  So, the only time I have to get things done is when the baby is napping.  Usually, as soon as I finish working, I rush to pick up the kids, and when I get home, I am stressed because I didn’t clean up or start dinner.  It starts the evening off on the wrong course.

But I do have 10 minutes.

Sometimes, I don’t think I have 10 minutes, but, really, I can carve it out.  Before the baby got sick last week, I tried a new strategy.   My new strategy is to finish work, and set the timer for 10 minutes.  Then, clean/pick up/start dinner – whatever- for 10 solid minutes.  You can do more than you think in 10 minutes of focused time.  Then, I felt so much better when I picked up the kids; I had accomplished something in the house today.  The evening started out a little calmer.

I am also going to make the most of my lunch breaks (which I don’t have the luxury of taking every day).  During my lunch break today, I am going to make dinner for tonight.  I’m also going to make my bed, and try to put the living room back together – pick up the toys, laundry and at least get them into the correct rooms!  All of these things will be achievable and simple when broken down into small tasks.  Plus, they will make a huge difference in just a short amount of time, reducing my stress levels when I have my kids at home this evening.

How do you stay on top of it all?

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

The seizure

15 Apr

Well, this  weekend certainly hasn’t worked out like I had originally planned.  I was in bed on Friday night; my daughter was peacefully sleeping beside me (as a special treat, she gets to sleep with me on the weekends she is with me).  I was writing the blog post Sick Baby and reflecting on the day.  Poor baby was sent home from school; the doctor could not find anything wrong with him in the afternoon, except for an increasingly accelerating temperature.  The doctor said he had some kind of virus and sent us home.  By 5:30 that afternoon, my baby had 104 degree fever, and was so lethargic.  He hadn’t eaten and was not drinking much.  I continued with the Tylenol and put him to bed at 7:30.

At 10:30, as I was writing, he woke up screaming and crying.  I went to his room and picked him up out of his crib; his skin was hot and he was shivering/trembling.  I thought he was cold due to the fever.  We sat in his rocking chair and I held him tightly.  He stopped shivering.  Then, his left arm began to tremble.  Then, his entire body went stiff and began to tremble.  It was dark in his room so I could not see him very well.  I thought he had just had a seizure; I had no idea what to do.

I called my sister-in-law to see if she thought it could possibly have been a seizure.  She told me to call the doctor.  The baby was laying in my arms, completely limp; his eyes were glassy and his face had a look of illness on it.  I spent a few minutes researching online for febrile seizures to see if that is what he had, and what I should do.  I didn’t know if he needed first aid, if I should call 911, rush him to the hospital, call the doctor, or what to do.

After researching, I determined that he was not in immediate danger, and I called the doctor’s after hours number.  I was connected to the nurse triage.  After a number of questions, she also determined that he was not in immediate danger, but she was unable to diagnose or see his current health status.  So, she recommended that I take him to the emergency room.

At this time, it was nearly 11:00.  I called my ex-husband; no answer.  I texted my ex-husband; no answer.  I woke up Big Girl and told her that we had to take Baby Boy to the doctor because he was sick.  I got her dressed and ready to go.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this all by myself, and really didn’t want to expose Big Girl to the ER if I didn’t have to.  I wasn’t sure what they were going to do to the baby, how long we would be there.  The nurse told me on the phone that they may have to test for meningitis which means a spinal tap.  He had that done when he was a newborn, and it was horrific.  There would be no way to shield my daughter from his screams if he had to go through another spinal tap – even if we left the room.  At the last minute, I called my best friend, waking her up at 11;00 at night) to see if I could drop if Big Girl at her house (my best friend lives a mile from me, is pregnant and has two daughters of her own.  Her husband was not at home, and her house is on the market).  It was a huge favor.  And of course, she said, bring her over.  Big Girl was terrified; she was worried about her brother and a little disoriented at being woken up in the middle of the night.  I dropped her off.  My friend texted me a few minutes later; they had said prayers, and Big Girl was in bed with her daughters.  Thank God for my sweet friend; one less thing to worry about.

So, I continued to attempt to reach my ex-husband throughout all of this; I texted him a couple of times, and called him about five times over the course of an hour.  When I was almost at the hospital, he called me with an annoyed tone to find out what I needed.  I told him what was going on, and he met us at the hospital.  I was so mad at him; part of me was glad to have someone there to help with the baby.  Baby Boy was so happy to see his daddy.

I finally got to the hospital about midnight; the waiting room was full after we sat down.  After about an hour, we were called back.  They gave the baby some Tylenol and we saw the PA who said that Baby Boy had most likely suffered from a febrile seizure.  It was important to find out what was causing the fever so that it could be treated and reduce the risk of further complications.  I asked her about a spinal tap, and she said it was unlikely; he had good color, and since the Tylenol had kicked in, had some energy too.  She ordered a strep test and some blood work.  Strep test – positive.  Relief…. that was likely the cause of his fever – easy treatment and he should recover quickly and easily.  They gave him a shot of antibiotics before we left and I am giving him fever reducers every few hours to keep the fever down.  We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the hospital staff was so nice.  They had a little wagon in the hallway so my ex-husband pulled him around the floor in that.  One of the nurses gave him a popsicle and they talked to him and played with him.

I got home about 4:00 from the hospital, and put the baby to bed.  I took a shower and went to bed at 4:30, completely physically and mentally exhausted.  At 5:00, the baby awoke screaming.  Ex husband was sleeping in the same room and let him scream for 5 minutes.  I got up and went in the nursery.  Ex husband was holding the baby and passed him off to me immediately.  He got back in bed and went to sleep.  I rocked the baby and put him back to bed.  At 7:00, Baby Boy woke up again.  My ex-husband brought him into me and I lay with him for a little bit.  I also had to check on Big Girl and arrange to pick her up.

I left baby and ex-husband sleeping and got prescriptions filled, picked up Big Girl and brought her home.  I left again, got my car inspected and oil changed.  I picked up prescriptions and came home.  When I got home, my ex-husband had cleaned the kitchen, wiped down all of the countertops and cabinets and done the dishes; I will admit, it was a huge help.  I made lunch.  immediately after lunch, my ex-husband announced that he needed to leave and that Big Girl needed a bag packed so she could go with him.  I packed her bag; he went to the store for milk.  He got home, and they left.

I was going on 2 hours of sleep with a very sick baby alone.  Baby would not sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time.  Finally, at 5:00, I put him in his crib; we were both exhausted.  He slept (with a few bouts of short crying) for 2 1/2 hours.  I was so happy for both of us to get a little rest/sleep.   He slept well last night, but woke up with fever this morning.  His energy is improving; he wants to play, but is getting tired so easily.  He is taking his second nap, so we are getting back on schedule  He is eating and drinking more.

Poor little guy is so sick of taking medicine!  He hates the flavor of one of the fever reduceing medication!  It is a struggle to even get the syringe in his mouth to dispense the medicine.  I put a little medicine in and then give him the pacifier to get it down.  It takes several rounds of that just to get the medicine down!!

I have been doing laundry, changing sheets, cleaning the kitchen and trying to sanitize as much as possible while he sleeps.   I am so tired.

My ex-husband is bringing Big Girl back this afternoon, and he is going to stay here to watch Baby Boy tomorrow so I can work.  Should be interesting.  Some help is better than no help, and I would rather that Baby Boy be with one of us than anyone else.  Keeping the kids’ best interest in mind…

It’s been a terribly stressful and exhausting weekend.  I am so thankful for my friends and family who have been so supportive and open to my cries for help.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

Where am I?

3 Apr

I lost myself in my marriage.

Our marriage was so unhappy for such a long time that I became numb to the unhappiness. In fact, sometimes, I didn’t even realize I was unhappy.

Being in an unhappy marriage had become my new normal.

I learned how to work around it.  I found other things/ people to fill the void.  I anticipated and expected to be let down in big ways.

But then, there were those glimpses… Those RARE moments when I was happy with him. When things did click, when I would just begin to believe we could make it. That’s what I held on to for so long.  Maybe, just maybe, these glimpses could become normal for us, and we could have a happy marraige.

I tried everything I knew to repair what was broken – changed my behavior, attended couples’ counseling, moved into a nicer, larger home in a better neighborhood. Because things only became worse and worse for our marriage, I began to sink inside myself and my family… in a way, shutting out a lot of the world. Not completely, but more like not giving myself as I have before, and not being present with others as I normally would. I kept a lot inside (which I feel like I should have; our business is our business, and I feel that as strongly now as I did then). I covered up a lot. I pretended we were a happy family. I spent so much time worrying that it took up space for other important things which became neglected… like sending a birthday card, or any card for that matter. Like mailing gifts to family and friends timely. Like picking up the telephone to talk to an old friend. Like really caring and loving others as I used to.

As it progressed, I began to notice that I was not the person I used to be, and that I had not grown for the better. I was becoming a negative, sad, overwhelmed person. I was a bad wife (I had taken to checking and double checking everything my ex-husband did or said). I discounted most of what he told me because I just was tired of having my expectations shattered. I was unable to focus my energies where I believed they needed to be – being a good person, being an attentive and loving mother, being a good friend, and making good decisions. My brain was so full of negativity, and worry, and stress, and indecisiveness that I could not focus on what mattered most, and what is important to me.

I want to get rid of all of that “garbage” sitting in my head, and I want to stop focusing on the past. I know that I need to use my past and learn from my past to move forward. But, I cannot dwell on the past and allow it to mire me down.

I’m hoping that in losing myself, it will be easier to find myself?!

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah