Tag Archives: overwhelmed

That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

Thankful.

23 Jul

In the last several months, I have been humbled beyond belief. 

My emotions have been stretched as far as they can to, as has my strength.  The kindness of others has been unexpected and overwhelming.

I’ve always thought of myself as a thankful and gracious person.  Oh no.  I was not.  I was, at one time, very thoughtful and considerate (I lost a lot of this during my marriage to  a hugely selfish man, and as a result of being so miserable in my marriage), and thought that I was humble and thankful and gracious.  However, I was thankful if things went my way.  If the party was planned exactly the way I thought it should be, I was thankful.  If the gift was perfect, I was thankful.  I am not selfish, and have never been selfish, but the change from being nice and being thankful and humbled is a HUGE, and is an amazing place to be.

After being brought to my knees this last year, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I have lost so much pride and envy.  For the first time in my life, I am learning to appreciate the small, simple things.  I am tremendously thankful for a phone call or a note.  I appreciate a smile.  I need so much support and help, and recently, wonderful people have been coming out of the woodwork to help me.

  • I have wonderful friends and family who call and text to check in on me, and offer help.
  • I have amazing family who supports me and who does whatever they can to help.
  • I have a great doctor who takes my health seriously and who has been dedicated to helping me get better (both mentally and physically).
  • I have a great therapist who I feel completely open to talk to and who provides me with an amazing sounding board and perspective.  There are just some things I don’t want to share with anyone in my inner circle, and she listens and helps me work through those things.
  • I have healthy, funny, loving, amazing kids whom I absolutely adore.
  • Our new babysitter/housekeeper is working out great.  My kids adore her, and she is such a hard worker.  So much of a load off of my back, and I really need the help right now.
  • I have this blog which I love doing with wonderful followers.  And, just the simple act of writing is therapeutic and helps me organize my emotions and thoughts.  I work so much out just writing here.

And, the big things are amazing too.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful family and friends.

When I got sick, my mom re-routed her vacation to fly to my house and spend the better part of a week to help me 24/7.  She cleaned, cooked, grocery shopped, got up with Baby Boy in the middle of the night, fed kids, took kids to school, picked up kids in afternoon, baths — really just about everything.  So that I could rest.  I sent her home weary and ready for a long nap over the weekend, I am sure; although, she would never admit it.

My amazing brother and his kids came in Friday night.  My brother worked on a bunch of projects around the house – hanging shelving, moving curtains, hung cool wire to hang the kids’ art work int he play room.  He also helped cook and clean up dishes… and he got up with 3 of the 4 kids on Saturday morning, got them snacks and milk and diapered.  Then he got donuts for everyone.

My dad was also in town this weekend, and he fixed one of my broken sprinkler heads (I’ve had a geyser in my front yard this week)!  He also programmed the sprinkler system for me so it waters when it is supposed to.

Physically, I am feeling so much better – not 100% by any stretch, but I have a voice; my cough is minimal.  I’m keeping food down.  I feel so much better.  Another doctor appointment tomorrow to follow up on bronchitis and re-evaulate the other issues.

My cup runneth over today.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

I really am sick.

10 Jul

Went to the doctor today. My real doctor. Not to be confused with the urgent care clinic I went to on Sunday. Despite the fact that I did not have a sore throat or ears, they insisted on doing a strep test. Not surprisingly, it came back negative. The doctor came in and told me that since my throat hurt and I had been vomiting, she was going to treat me for strep. Ummmm. My throat does not hurt, and I have not been vomiting. “Just in case”, she wanted to treat me for strep even though I had no symptoms and the test was negative! So I walked out with prescriptions to treat strep. I did not fill them.

That gets me back to where I started. I went to my doctor today. Waiting on medicine at the pharmacy now… Bronchitis, laryngitis, digestive issues, and anxiety. Good times! Y’all, I don’t mess around. When I’m sick, I am sick.

Back to work for now. Well see how long I can make it!

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah

Vacation.

6 Jul

I’ve been on vacation all week. It’s been a really nice, much-needed, break from work… I only received one text from my boss. I expected quite a bit more since it’s been a rough few weeks. It’s been an interesting week, full of ups and downs. It’s been both a great and a crappy week! Depends on if I’m in a “glass half full” or “glass half empty” kind of mood!

We’ll start with a “glass half full” perspective too keep things positive!

Glass Half Full:

I got to spend a lot of time with both kids. We had such a fun time! We played and watched movies and read books and swam and just had fun.

On Tuesday, I felt horrible, but took Big Girl to get a pedicure (I also got a manicure and eyebrow wax), and then took Big Girl to see Brave. She was afraid for most of it, and cried and sat in my lap, but we stayed until the end because I was HOPING for a happy ending. Luckily, there was one!

4th of July Parade with the kids was a lot of fun. I found a great deal on a new wagon on CraigsList. Ex-husband picked it up and paid for it. Great to pull the kids around at the parade… and they LOVED it! After a rest and lunch, we baked cupcakes. Then, we went to my BFF’s amazing new house for dinner, swimming and fireworks. The kids (and dads… not ex-husband, he went back to his parents’) set off a bunch of fireworks over their pond. So much fun.

Because I was feeling so rough, and I broke my toe, I was able to have quite a bit of rest and relaxation. I think I’ve had a nap everyday!

The air conditioner went out so ex-husband picked up the kids at about 8:30 last night to take them for the weekend. It’s too hot for them to be here in the heat. So… I get some quiet time to myself and I didn’t get out of bed until after 11:00 this morning. It was so nice. (You can catch up on my need for sleep in my recent post, Exhaustion.)

I’ve also watched The Nate Berkus Show and Ellen this afternoon – such guilty pleasures. I love Ellen!

We had a fun time at my brother’s house. I slept a lot, and the kids all played together.

On the way home, we stopped to buy some roadside peaches, and stopped at a chocolate factory for a little snack.

Oh, and I had a phone interview this week. I think the interview went well. Well, what I mean by that is that I didn’t get off of the phone feeling like I really screwed up my asnwers. However, I did not have the experience they were looking for for this particular opening.

Glass Half Empty:

We went to visit my brother and I got sick. Spent most of the weekend in bed.

Drove the kids home, sick, feeling awful.

Ex-husband had to spend a bunch of time at the house to watch the kids since I was sick in bed.

I broke my toe.

Awkward moment on 4th of July when I had to remind ex-husband that I had plans with my friends for fireworks, and he was not invited.

Stressed about going back to work. Constant coutndown in my head. Feelings of dread and stress are never ending right now.

Air conditioner went out. Repair guy came out today. The compresser broke and oil has splattered all over the inside of the unit. The entire unit needs to be replaced. $2700.00 for a new unit. Can’t fix it until Monday, at the earliest!

Called my doctor to make an appointment to be seen; he’s on vacation this week! So, my appointment is on Tuesday morning. I still feel like crap, my toe still hurts, and I’m still exhausted. This is the kind of tired that sleep just doesn’t fix, I am afraid.

All in all, it was a week full of ups and downs, of good things and some pretty crappy things. I’m thankful for the time I got to spend with the kids. I’m thankful for the rest. I really don’t want to go back to work.

Welcome to my crazy journey!

Sarah

Exhaustion.

4 Jul

I am on vacation this week.  I had planned to spend the week playing with the kids, and just relaxing and enjoying my time with them.  I have been so excited about taking this week off.  Work has just been horrible lately, and I haven’t found another job yet.  I am so stressed out with the kids, and feel like I am pulled in too many directions.  At night, I feel like a zombie just getting through it all until bedtime.

I really needed this vacation.  I need some room to breathe and relax and regroup.

But, I got sick on Friday afternoon and have been in bed most of the week. We went to my brother’s house for the weekend, and I slept most of the time we were there.  I drove us all home, but went straight to bed when we got home. Yesterday, Big Girl and I got pedicures and went to a movie.  When I got home I had fever, and went straight to bed. 

 This is miserable.

Today, I am starting to feel a little better; I am just so tired, and  I am in really slow motion.  I cannot think very clearly; my brain feels like mush.

I think I am suffering from true exhaustion.  I feel like I have been running on adrenaline for over a year, and my body is now coming to a screeching halt.  Like a train trying to stop before it hits a car on the tracks, my body’s brakes are screeching, but my life is still moving ahead in fast forward.  My body needs to stop and rest, and my life does not have time for it.  I am run down.  I am getting so thin.  I have no energy.  I am irritable.  I am tired.  I feel so overwhelmed.  My thinking is clouded.  I have no concentration.

I am completely burnt out at work.  I have limited resources for help.  My mom and dad live 1/2 way across the country so I can’t just call and ask them to come by for a few hours to help.  My brother lives 4 hours away, and has a young family of his own.  Although, they all do what they can, it just isn’t practical to call them when I need a break.

There are some babysitters we know who are very good.  I’m not opposed to letting my kids stay with them; I have before, but, like everything else, they cost money.  Monday I don’t really have .  But, I need to find a way.  I need to figure out a way to get some space, and some rest and to feel better.

I need to get better; my kids need me to get better.  I need to take care of myself to be a good mom to them.

I need to figure out some solutions.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

I stayed too long.

15 May

I think I stayed in my marriage too long.  Sort of.

I was so unhappy in my marriage for so many years.  There were so many things wrong; ultimately, I had just married the wrong person for me. It turns out that we created two amazing children together, but we were not good together as husband and wife.  Had I not stayed as long as I did, I would not have my precious children.

I loved my ex-husband so much when I married him.  I thought he was perfect – perhaps that should have been a red flag.  Almost immediately after we got married, things changed dramatically.  He no longer wanted to be involved in my life.  He wanted to be anywhere but home.  I changed, too, in response to him.  I became someone who was controlling and weak at the same time.  I became a woman who desperately wanted her husband to love her, and who, by her actions to do so, turned her husband away even more than he was.  We went to counselling for years. 

It was like a roller coaster.

When things were good, they were really, really good.  We were so happy and had such fun times.  We laughed and did fun things together.  Then, I would find out about something he had done, and things would get horrible for months on end – we would not speak, we would nit-pick every single thing.  Then, it would get better.    Years and years of this cycle, and it was exhausting trying to keep up, and wondering when the other shoe would drop, knowing that the good times were temporary.  Knowing that the next bad thing was just around the corning, each time worse than the last.

Yet, I hoped and I prayed, and I sought counseling and I loved anyway.

And still, things just got worse.  I grieved my marriage throughout these years of unhappiness.  I broke away, and learned how to depend on myself and take care of things myself.  I gave up on a lot of things that he was involved in.  I quit caring about a lot of things because the energy it took to stay in my marriage was all-consuming.

When I found out about the inappropriate behavior (the infidelity as I define it; he doesn’t see it the same way), I was, in part, relieved.  I was pissed, and I was relieved.  I was only a little sad; I had already done so much grieving and so much separating of myself and my emotions.  Finally, I had a GOOD reason to leave.  Finally, I could feel good about making a decision to leave.  I never felt that there was enough to justify leaving; I felt like we could work things out and I could try harder.  But, with the infidelity, that was a good reason for me.  But I still held out hope.  Had he made any effort to really make some changes, I would have stayed anyway, even though I didn’t love him. 

I so desperately wanted my family in tact.  I wanted my kids to have a whole family.

So, I started the divorce process; it went so slowly at first, and then picked up speed so quickly at the end.  It was pure hell.

But now, I am becoming myself again.  I am getting happier.  I don’t have the stress of uncertainty of my ex-husband’s stupid decisions because they no longer directly affect me.  The inconsistency and ups and downs are evening out.  And it is so nice!  Now, we are all learning how to be a new family.  It’s a transition, and it’s not easy.  It requires a lot of tongue biting and still requires give and take. 

Still a long road ahead, but progress is being made each day.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Closet is clean.

24 Apr

I had such a great weekend this weekend, in a single mom kind of way. I went to the office yesterday, and heard everyone else talking about their weekend; mine was a little different, but great all the same!

The kids were in and out all weekend, but I had Friday and Saturday nights to my self ; it was so nice. On Saturday night, I decided that I needed to tackle a project. My closet is a WRECK! I really haven’t touched it since my ex-husband moved out in November! Some of his stuff was still in there, and my stuff was all on one side. In addition, it has become our storage closet as well. The floor was so cluttered with stuff that I couldn’t even walk to the back of the closet! And, not to mention the laundry piled up!

BEFORE:

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I worked for an hour or so Saturday night, and then several hours Sunday morning.

I finished almost all of the laundry, including the kids. I cleaned out the entire closet and vacuumed it – which is a huge accomplishment because before I cleaned it, the floor was not visible to vacuum!

AFTER:

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Since my closet looked so clean, my bedroom could not be outdone, so I cleaned it too! Now, I have a HUGE pile of things to get rid of and donate sitting on my bedroom floor. I need to get donation truck scheduled soon just as soon as I log everything in the pile!!  Next step for the closet is beautification!  I’ll take organized and clean for now.

Too much stuff is becoming a burden and a little paralyzing! I love to shop, but am trying to prioritize and be thoughtful in my purchases. Right now, I need some larger ticket items that I am budgeting for and planning for. I am reducing my spend on the “stuff” that adds up (not only financially, but is taking over my house)!

Oh my goodness. What a sense of accomplishment! I like to have organized spaces, and I have been feeling that my entire house is disorganized for far too long. This was the first step, a motivating step to getting more things organized around here.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah