Tag Archives: moving forward

Cheat night

12 Jul

The kids are gone for a couple of weeks with their dad. That means I have some very rare alone time. I got about 4 inches cut off of my hair earlier today. 

It is a gorgeous summer evening in Texas. The breeze is blowing. It’s 8:30 at night and I’m sitting on an awesome patio enjoying some fresh air and having sangria.   A little Tone Loc playing. Usually, I’m fishing the bedtime routine with the kids and stuck inside the house until morning. I miss them like crazy. But this?  It’s lovely. 
I’m sure there is sugar in this beverage and it is so delicious!!  

Sometimes, it’s good to take a minute for yourself and relax. Breathe some fresh air. Be still. 

Thank you for coming along on my journey!  Cheers!

-Sarah

Happy New Year.

6 Jan

2012 can kiss my ass! 

I survived it – that’s about all I can say about how I feel about it!  It was a very difficult year for me, and I don’t ever want to repeat anything like it again.  BUT, I grew so much, and became a much better person as a result of it all.

I’m really looking forward to 2013 – a year of new beginnings.  I looked at my resolutions from last year — many I accomplished… some I didn’t.

  1. We didn’t make our beds every morning.  We hardly ever make our beds.
  2. Stayed in the house, and refinanced it.  No need to worry about a move.
  3. I simplified some parts of life, and learned to let go.  I put some systems into place.
  4. I had a really fun time with the children this year.

Now, it’s time to look at new resolutions for 2013; they will look much different from last year:

  1. Kids clean their room each night before bed, and clean up toys before moving on to the next activity.  I keep my bedroom and kitchen clean every day.
  2. Cook healthy meals 5 nights a week.  Send lunch to school with Big Girl.
  3. Spend time with friends at least once a month.  Invite friends to do things.  Entertain more.
  4. Save money, and stick to my budget.
  5. Focus on my career, and make changes where needed.
  6. Enjoy my children.

The beginning of the year seems to be a time of cleansing for me.  Today, I am tackling my bedroom.  It is full of clutter and I’m going to work on getting it cleaned up. Emptying everything from the room, except for the bed – dust, vacuum, reorganize and rearrange!  I’m starting with me.

I’m also putting together a menu plan for this week’s dinners and going to the grocery store.

Happy new year.  Wishing you all of the best for a fun, happy, healthy and prosperous 2013.

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

What a difference a year makes.

19 Dec

I didn’t know how I would feel today.  It’s been one full year since I started this blog so Happy Blogiversary to me!

However, I started this blog one year ago because I had to release some emotion.  My then husband moved out of our home, and I needed an outlet (see Moving Day).  I needed a place to sort out my feelings and emotions, and to let it out.  At the time, I didn’t know how I felt.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know where to go.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  I didn’t know what was going to happen.  I was terrified, relieved, sad, worried, tired, and anxious.

One year ago. 

It’s unbelievable and remarkable how much has changed in one year.  Mostly good things have happened.  Some really difficult things have happened.  My life has dramatically changed as has my outlook on just about everything.

One year ago.

  • I started this blog.  I met a lot of amazing people whose journeys I follow, and whom I think about and pray for in real life.  I love writing this blog, and I’m so thankful for those of you that follow along.
  • My then husband moved out of our home.
  • I spent Christmas with our children, without my then husband.  I didn’t miss him.
  • My then husband bought a new car, and told me after the fact.  He also said he wanted to get back together.
  • I finalized the divorce.  I went to court a married woman, and left divorced.  I cried like I have never cried before.  I felt completely defeated and alone.  I felt like a utter and total failure in life.
  • I didn’t know what to do or how to move forward, but I knew I couldn’t stay stagnant.
  • My dad took my ex-husband’s side.  Then mine.
  • My mom supported me 200% without ever wavering.  She was my rock and my strength, and I need to tell her.
  • I refinanced my home and I stayed in my home.  That means, I don’t disrupt the kids; they stay at the same schools, and keep their routines.
  • I cleaned out some clutter, beginning with a new bed and cleaning the closet, and the kitchen, and the bathroom, and the kids rooms, and the attic.  I reorganized, and got rid of a lot of junk.  I’m afraid this job will never be done!
  • I learned how to remove and then replace a doorknob.
  • I became a better cook.
  • I learned where to find good deals, cut coupons, and save money.
  • I learned how to hook up my TV to cable.
  • I mowed the lawn.  I planted some flowers.
  • I made a lot of new friends in the neighborhood.
  • I entertained people at my home; I got invited to parties.
  • I worked really hard.
  • I loved my children.
  • I prayed a lot.  I need to pray a lot more.
  • I got really sick.  I got better.
  • I leaned on others and asked for help.
  • I found reliable people to help me — babysitter, dog sitter, handyman, friends, and family.

I made it through the year of separation, and am so glad it is over.  It has been a life-changing, roller coaster year!  And I finally can say that I am happier, that I am happy.  For the first time in a very long time, if not ever, I am happy.  I am grateful and thankful and appreciative of everything I have, and all of those who are part of my life.  I am happy in just loving my kids.  That’s all I need.  And, yet, I’ve gotten so much more than I ever deserve.

I’ve learned that I can’t do it all alone, and I have to ask for help.  I’ve learned that family is everything in this life, and I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a wonderful, and supportive family.  I’ve learned that the more love you give, the more you receive.  I’ve learned to let go of the negative and focus on the positive.

It’s been an amazing year of growth and transition… and thank you for being here with me.  It has simultaneously been the best and worst year of my life.  I don’t ever want another year like this one; the bad days were really bad, but the good days have been amazing.  I want more amazing days, and fewer hellish days.   I have a completely new outlook on life.  I have a bright future ahead.  It’s not always going to be easy, but I can do it.  I made it through this year, right?!

I’m ready for what life has to offer.  2013… Bring it on!

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

Thanksgiving, 2012.

26 Nov

I had the children for Thanksgiving this year.  We are celebrated with my brother and his adorable family, who are some of my biggest supporters and dearest friends.  We had a wonderful time!  We ate way too much; we shopped way to early; we had a lot of laughs.  In addition, we did lots of activities with the kids – made ornaments, went to the park, and just played.

I have so many things to be thankful for this year.

1. Moving forward after the divorce.

2. Finding some sources of fun and support.

3. Making new friends, and catching up with old friends.

4. Support and love from family and friends.

5.  My precious children whom I adore, and thank God for every day.

6.  Health and happiness.

Those are the big things.  Those are the important things.  It was a great Thanksgiving.  I am blessed.

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah

Reflecting.

14 Nov

It’s been almost a year since I separated from my husband, almost a year since I started this blog, and almost a year since last Thanksgiving.  Last Thanksgiving was the first holiday my ex-husband and I spent apart.  I was tormented with conflicted emotions, and didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t want to get divorced, but knew I it was the right choice.  I didn’t know what I was going to do, where I was going to live, if everything would be okay, how my kids would respond…  So much uncertainty.

Today, though, things are very different.  Today, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and spending it with family.  I am excited to cook and play with the kids, and eat too much, and get up way too early to shop with my money.

Today, I have plans and goals, and the cloud of uncertainty is burning away.  I have freedom and independence.  The sunshine in beaming in.

I am proud of my family.  I am proud of my children.

Today, I am moving forward.  I am living life.  I am confident, and  I am not afraid anymore (not very often, at least)!  I have had friends come out of the wood work.  I have found solutions for childcare, and dogsitters and anything else I need.  I have support.

I have a family.

I am moving forward.

I am happy.

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

Haircut.

25 Aug

I got my haircut today.  First haircut since last October. Yes, folks, it’s been almost a full year since I got my haircut. It was in sad shape and was so poofy and fluffy.  I have been wearing it in a ponytail all summer because that’s all I could do with it!!  And my bangs… I have cut them several times, and they were crooked and horrible!

So, I did the walk of shame to my hair salon today with my sad looking hair, and worried that my hairdresser would think I had been cheating on her.  She didn’t think that for one second!  She took one look at my ponytail and  immediately said “sit down so we can talk about this”.   It was so obvious that nobody else had cut this mop on my head!

Then, after looking at and running her fingers through my crazy mane, she said she wanted to do something for me.  She said the grey in front of my hair was distracting her, and she wanted to color my hair to cover the grey… ON HER!!  FREE COLOR!!  Yippee… Now, I am sure this is gateway color, and she is counting on more paid color from me in the future. But, still, what a surprise… and I love the color – very subtle, but covers the grey beautifully.

Love my new, trendy, layered cut.  And the beautiful color.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

 

Organized Kitchen… Sort of!

19 Aug

I got really motivated this week, for some reason. Not sure why… lots of energy still from bronchitis medication, and feeling like tackling more house projects. I’ve been spending too much time on Pinterest and have so many ideas. I thought, first, though, I would start with cleaning and picking up the house. I spend a lot of time writing about cleaning my house. The clutter makes me feel cluttered inside! My house has never been so cluttered, and although, I’ve accomplished so much, room by room. The rooms that have not been organized are making me crazy… particularly the kitchen. When my kitchen is messy, I feel like my entire house is a wreck!

Since ex-husband moved out, I’ve organized my closet and bedroom, both kids’ rooms, the playroom, and the master bathroom. I need to go back through my closet and my daughter’s closet, but things have stayed organized since I got them the way I want them. Things have a place, and the kids know where thing belong so they can participate in maintaining the house, and taking care of their things. That’s a lot, and it feels so good, but I’ve got to finished getting this place in order, and to make if feel like my own! After I organize, I need to have a major Ebay/CraigsList sale. So much junk to get rid of.

So, I started on my kitchen this week. I didn’t have a specific plan, just a few things at a time throughout the week. Today, after the bits and pieces I took care of during the week, the kitchen looked so much better. The task didn’t seem so large, so tonight, I made a concerted effort to clear off the countertops, put things away, and throw things away. Drawers and cabinets were exempt from this project; that is an entirely different ballgame … as is the pantry.

I had stuff all over the countertops. Lots of paperwork and just stuff that doesn’t have a home. When we walk through the door, the kitchen is the first room we come to, and everything gets dropped there! So piles of crap pile up and get set aside to look at another time. I didn’t take any before pictures, but here are some “after” photos.

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Also, this is the remaining pile of crap that I need to go through tomorrow – mostly art work, papers and such from school. Yes, summer is almost over, and the new school year begins next week. I still haven’t gone through all the paperwork from last school year. Whatever!!

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I’d love to redo my cabinets and countertops – basic builder’s edition here. But, that’s a project for another year!

This place is starting to feel like my own.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

The Wedding.

26 May

I got all dressed up in my new dress and shoes this afternoon to go to this wedding.  My friend who got married today is a friend from high school; I have seen her once since we graduated from high school 20 year ago!  The wedding was beautiful; it was an outdoor ceremony in the backyard of her parents’ amazing home. 

I was expecting to see a lot of people from school; a lot of other people who I also receonnected with over the years.  There were about 15 of us invited, and I would have loved to have seen some of these girls.  However, I did not know a single person there… outside of the bride and her family, but, as you can imagine, they were a little busy with other things!

It was awkward, but so wonderful to see these old friends.  The bride has a twin sister whom I was also very good friends with.  It was so much fun to see them both, and they both seemed genuinely glad to see me.

The wedding was at 4:00 this afternoon; I left at 6:30.  I had a fun time, and pushed myself to talk to new people (I hate doing that)!  However, when I elft at 6:30, I was literally, all dressed up with no place to go!  I had nowhere to go, and nobody to see.  One of the lonely parts of being a single mom.

All in all, I’m so glad I went and branched out of my comfort zone… saw my old friends.  I didn’t take any pictures.  Really?!

I also met another sweet mom there who has kids 4 years apart, similar to mine.  She said she had just filed for divorce 2 weeks ago, and her husband was moving out of the family home in 2 weeks.  They had 2 more weeks together as a family.  She didn’t know what she was going to do.  Oh, I didn’t even know what to say; she was a complete stranger.  All I could say is that we determined up front to keep things as amicable as possible, and that we are all doing so much better now.  I hope that was good; so much came flooding into my mind, and I felt terrible for her and for her young family.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

I stayed too long.

15 May

I think I stayed in my marriage too long.  Sort of.

I was so unhappy in my marriage for so many years.  There were so many things wrong; ultimately, I had just married the wrong person for me. It turns out that we created two amazing children together, but we were not good together as husband and wife.  Had I not stayed as long as I did, I would not have my precious children.

I loved my ex-husband so much when I married him.  I thought he was perfect – perhaps that should have been a red flag.  Almost immediately after we got married, things changed dramatically.  He no longer wanted to be involved in my life.  He wanted to be anywhere but home.  I changed, too, in response to him.  I became someone who was controlling and weak at the same time.  I became a woman who desperately wanted her husband to love her, and who, by her actions to do so, turned her husband away even more than he was.  We went to counselling for years. 

It was like a roller coaster.

When things were good, they were really, really good.  We were so happy and had such fun times.  We laughed and did fun things together.  Then, I would find out about something he had done, and things would get horrible for months on end – we would not speak, we would nit-pick every single thing.  Then, it would get better.    Years and years of this cycle, and it was exhausting trying to keep up, and wondering when the other shoe would drop, knowing that the good times were temporary.  Knowing that the next bad thing was just around the corning, each time worse than the last.

Yet, I hoped and I prayed, and I sought counseling and I loved anyway.

And still, things just got worse.  I grieved my marriage throughout these years of unhappiness.  I broke away, and learned how to depend on myself and take care of things myself.  I gave up on a lot of things that he was involved in.  I quit caring about a lot of things because the energy it took to stay in my marriage was all-consuming.

When I found out about the inappropriate behavior (the infidelity as I define it; he doesn’t see it the same way), I was, in part, relieved.  I was pissed, and I was relieved.  I was only a little sad; I had already done so much grieving and so much separating of myself and my emotions.  Finally, I had a GOOD reason to leave.  Finally, I could feel good about making a decision to leave.  I never felt that there was enough to justify leaving; I felt like we could work things out and I could try harder.  But, with the infidelity, that was a good reason for me.  But I still held out hope.  Had he made any effort to really make some changes, I would have stayed anyway, even though I didn’t love him. 

I so desperately wanted my family in tact.  I wanted my kids to have a whole family.

So, I started the divorce process; it went so slowly at first, and then picked up speed so quickly at the end.  It was pure hell.

But now, I am becoming myself again.  I am getting happier.  I don’t have the stress of uncertainty of my ex-husband’s stupid decisions because they no longer directly affect me.  The inconsistency and ups and downs are evening out.  And it is so nice!  Now, we are all learning how to be a new family.  It’s a transition, and it’s not easy.  It requires a lot of tongue biting and still requires give and take. 

Still a long road ahead, but progress is being made each day.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah