Tag Archives: mommy guilt

It wasn’t so bad.

27 Dec

In fact, it was pretty good.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  Luke 2:10

My wonderful mom and my step-dad came into town to spend Christmas with me.  We stayed so busy which kept my mind off of other things, and we had so much fun.  I spent a lot of time getting the house just right… clean, decorated, gifts wrapped and under the tree.  The lights were on outside, and everything was just about perfect when they arrived.

We purchased lots of baby things for a charity so we could provide a wonderful donation to families in need during this winter season.  We went to church on Christmas Eve and then onto a fantastic steak restaurant for dinner.  Food was so good; we drank wine; we laughed a lot.

Christmas morning, my kids called, and we were able to connect on FaceTime.  I was able to watch them open their stockings and their Santa gifts (which my ex-husband and I purchased jointly).  They were so excited and so cute.  After opening each gift, they ran to the phone to show it to me.  It made the morning so much better that I got to participate a little bit in their Christmas.  I think they liked that too.

Then, we opened our gifts.  My parents were too generous with me and I think they liked their gifts as well.  Later that day, we drove out to a resort which is known for its amazing Christmas decorations.  We walked around, drank hot chocolate, and laughed a little more.

Then it snowed!

I don’t generally like snow, but on Christmas day, I think it is magical!  We came home to make dinner.  We had an amazing dinner planned: beef tenderloin, pork tenderloin, squash casserole, beer bread, green salad, and mashed potatoes.  As we opened the oven door to put the casserole in, it shattered.  The front glass of the oven door shattered into a million pieces, scattered all over the kitchen, and into the squash casserole.


Of course, the oven shattered BEFORE we had cooked any of the dinner!!  We had to throw away the squash casserole, and then slice the tenderloins and fry them on the stove!  Still tasted good, but just not the same!

The table looked amazing though, and we had a fun dinner with good wine!  Good wine helped a lot!

I hope you and your families, whatever they look like this year, had a wonderful Christmas.  Find your blessings and count them.  My kids come home tomorrow, and I cannot wait to celebrate Christmas with them on Saturday morning!

Welcome to my next chapter!




That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.


What a difference a year makes.

19 Dec

I didn’t know how I would feel today.  It’s been one full year since I started this blog so Happy Blogiversary to me!

However, I started this blog one year ago because I had to release some emotion.  My then husband moved out of our home, and I needed an outlet (see Moving Day).  I needed a place to sort out my feelings and emotions, and to let it out.  At the time, I didn’t know how I felt.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know where to go.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  I didn’t know what was going to happen.  I was terrified, relieved, sad, worried, tired, and anxious.

One year ago. 

It’s unbelievable and remarkable how much has changed in one year.  Mostly good things have happened.  Some really difficult things have happened.  My life has dramatically changed as has my outlook on just about everything.

One year ago.

  • I started this blog.  I met a lot of amazing people whose journeys I follow, and whom I think about and pray for in real life.  I love writing this blog, and I’m so thankful for those of you that follow along.
  • My then husband moved out of our home.
  • I spent Christmas with our children, without my then husband.  I didn’t miss him.
  • My then husband bought a new car, and told me after the fact.  He also said he wanted to get back together.
  • I finalized the divorce.  I went to court a married woman, and left divorced.  I cried like I have never cried before.  I felt completely defeated and alone.  I felt like a utter and total failure in life.
  • I didn’t know what to do or how to move forward, but I knew I couldn’t stay stagnant.
  • My dad took my ex-husband’s side.  Then mine.
  • My mom supported me 200% without ever wavering.  She was my rock and my strength, and I need to tell her.
  • I refinanced my home and I stayed in my home.  That means, I don’t disrupt the kids; they stay at the same schools, and keep their routines.
  • I cleaned out some clutter, beginning with a new bed and cleaning the closet, and the kitchen, and the bathroom, and the kids rooms, and the attic.  I reorganized, and got rid of a lot of junk.  I’m afraid this job will never be done!
  • I learned how to remove and then replace a doorknob.
  • I became a better cook.
  • I learned where to find good deals, cut coupons, and save money.
  • I learned how to hook up my TV to cable.
  • I mowed the lawn.  I planted some flowers.
  • I made a lot of new friends in the neighborhood.
  • I entertained people at my home; I got invited to parties.
  • I worked really hard.
  • I loved my children.
  • I prayed a lot.  I need to pray a lot more.
  • I got really sick.  I got better.
  • I leaned on others and asked for help.
  • I found reliable people to help me — babysitter, dog sitter, handyman, friends, and family.

I made it through the year of separation, and am so glad it is over.  It has been a life-changing, roller coaster year!  And I finally can say that I am happier, that I am happy.  For the first time in a very long time, if not ever, I am happy.  I am grateful and thankful and appreciative of everything I have, and all of those who are part of my life.  I am happy in just loving my kids.  That’s all I need.  And, yet, I’ve gotten so much more than I ever deserve.

I’ve learned that I can’t do it all alone, and I have to ask for help.  I’ve learned that family is everything in this life, and I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a wonderful, and supportive family.  I’ve learned that the more love you give, the more you receive.  I’ve learned to let go of the negative and focus on the positive.

It’s been an amazing year of growth and transition… and thank you for being here with me.  It has simultaneously been the best and worst year of my life.  I don’t ever want another year like this one; the bad days were really bad, but the good days have been amazing.  I want more amazing days, and fewer hellish days.   I have a completely new outlook on life.  I have a bright future ahead.  It’s not always going to be easy, but I can do it.  I made it through this year, right?!

I’m ready for what life has to offer.  2013… Bring it on!

Welcome to my next chapter.


It’s tough.

17 Nov

Does it ever seem normal to watch your kids go with their dad for the weekend?  I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with it; I’m not as lonely or bored as I once was when they were gone.  I take advantage of the time to see friends, catch up on sleep, and run errands – things I can’t do when they are at home.  However, it’s so hard to let them go.

Last night, they left before I got home  from work.  That was tough, especially since I was expecting to see them, but got stuck in traffic for 2 1/2 hours on my commute home!!  So I missed them.  However, I noticed that my ex-husband had forgotten my son’s medicine so they had to come back (in the last 10 days, my son has had both strep throat and an ear infection).  I took the medicine out to the car so the kids didn’t have to get out.  Putting them back in the car would have been nearly impossible.  I went out to the car, and gave big hugs and kisses, heard about their day.  But, when I went around to my son’s side, he raised his arms in the air and said “up, up, up…. Mommy, up!”.  I couldn’t get him out of the car or it would have been even more difficult.  When I said “no”, the crying and tears began.  I felt so helpless.  My sweet baby crying; all he wanted to do was see his mommy, and I couldn’t help him.  He had to go.  I knew he would have a good time.  But, I am haunted all weekend by his cries and sweet face looking at me, depending on me.

Truly, it sucks.

The kids are always on the road, always missing one of us.  I hate it for them.

Now, the children are with their dad, at his sister’s house, having a blast.  They are cooking for Thanksgiving, helping put lights on wreaths, and decorate for Christmas.  They are having a ball.  But, I miss them, and all I can hear in my head are my sweet son’s cries for mommy.

Welcome to my journey!


Back and Forth

30 Jul

Kids were with their dad this weekend.  I don’t know if I will ever get used to this. 

It just kills me that the kids are constantly on the move from my house to their dad’s — until they are grown.  Back and forth every two weeks for the next 15 to 18 years. I just hate that they are constantly on the move.

I feel sorry for them.  I would hate to live that way.  My parents were divorced, but my dad lived across the country from us so we only saw him a few times a year growing up.  Not ideal either, but the constant back and forth has got to be exhausting for them!

Welcome to my journey!


Oh, no you didn’t!

2 Jun

I love my children; they are my life.  They are my reason for being.  They are my strength.  They are my laughter.

I will fiercely protect them.  I will let them experience freedom.  I will allow them to try new things and to stretch themselves to achieve things they never imagined they could.  I will love them beyond measure.  I will be the best mom I can be.

It is for this reason that I am livid about a post someone made on my ex-husband’s FaceBook wall.  My ex-husband took my son out for dinner tonight, and posted a picture of my son.  He captioned that it was “men’s night out for the boys”.  Whatever.  Some jerk woman posted a comment that stated “Start ’em young – head to Hooters!” 

Are you fucking kidding me? 

My son is 15 months old; he is a baby.   I don’t even know what she meant by her comment there are so many ways to take that.  Did she mean he should start early by:

  • eating unhealthy, disgusting food?  Yes, I’ve had the wings; I think they are gross.
  •  being exposed to a misogynistic environment?
  • being exposed to a bar?
  • being exposed to boobs and a sexually charged environment?
  • being exposed to his father being hit on by scantily clad women?
  • for some absurd and disgusting reason, being attracted to the women working at Hooters?
  • checking out hot chicks with exposed boobs and hot asses so he can learn that women are meant to be used and not respected?

Because if he is exposed early to an adult enviroment, it would be unhealthy, damaging and inappropriate.

Let me be clear.  I have nothing against the women who are working at Hooters. I have nothing against Hooters.  I do not believe Hooters to be an appropriate place for my baby.  If adults want to go there – have at it.  I don’t care. I have seen the Hooters episode of “Undercover Boss”, and I believe that the waitstaff are not treated well in the restaurants (this is not a fact, but is my belief based on limited knowledge, and one episode of a TV program. I sincerely hope it was an isolated incident in one restaurant and that management immediately corrected the issue).  It is also my belief that there is a positive correlation between the raunchiness of a woman’s appearance, and the way she is treated.  I will also note that my marriage disintegrated over my ex-husband’s infidelity expressed in several ways.  I am particularly sensitive to what my son is going to be exposed to.  And, seriously, he is 15 months old. 

What the fuck?!

Her comment was completely inappropriate and out of line.  I don’t think it is funny. 

Don’t disrespect my son, my child, my baby.  Don’t disrespect women.

Welcome to my journey!


I stayed too long.

15 May

I think I stayed in my marriage too long.  Sort of.

I was so unhappy in my marriage for so many years.  There were so many things wrong; ultimately, I had just married the wrong person for me. It turns out that we created two amazing children together, but we were not good together as husband and wife.  Had I not stayed as long as I did, I would not have my precious children.

I loved my ex-husband so much when I married him.  I thought he was perfect – perhaps that should have been a red flag.  Almost immediately after we got married, things changed dramatically.  He no longer wanted to be involved in my life.  He wanted to be anywhere but home.  I changed, too, in response to him.  I became someone who was controlling and weak at the same time.  I became a woman who desperately wanted her husband to love her, and who, by her actions to do so, turned her husband away even more than he was.  We went to counselling for years. 

It was like a roller coaster.

When things were good, they were really, really good.  We were so happy and had such fun times.  We laughed and did fun things together.  Then, I would find out about something he had done, and things would get horrible for months on end – we would not speak, we would nit-pick every single thing.  Then, it would get better.    Years and years of this cycle, and it was exhausting trying to keep up, and wondering when the other shoe would drop, knowing that the good times were temporary.  Knowing that the next bad thing was just around the corning, each time worse than the last.

Yet, I hoped and I prayed, and I sought counseling and I loved anyway.

And still, things just got worse.  I grieved my marriage throughout these years of unhappiness.  I broke away, and learned how to depend on myself and take care of things myself.  I gave up on a lot of things that he was involved in.  I quit caring about a lot of things because the energy it took to stay in my marriage was all-consuming.

When I found out about the inappropriate behavior (the infidelity as I define it; he doesn’t see it the same way), I was, in part, relieved.  I was pissed, and I was relieved.  I was only a little sad; I had already done so much grieving and so much separating of myself and my emotions.  Finally, I had a GOOD reason to leave.  Finally, I could feel good about making a decision to leave.  I never felt that there was enough to justify leaving; I felt like we could work things out and I could try harder.  But, with the infidelity, that was a good reason for me.  But I still held out hope.  Had he made any effort to really make some changes, I would have stayed anyway, even though I didn’t love him. 

I so desperately wanted my family in tact.  I wanted my kids to have a whole family.

So, I started the divorce process; it went so slowly at first, and then picked up speed so quickly at the end.  It was pure hell.

But now, I am becoming myself again.  I am getting happier.  I don’t have the stress of uncertainty of my ex-husband’s stupid decisions because they no longer directly affect me.  The inconsistency and ups and downs are evening out.  And it is so nice!  Now, we are all learning how to be a new family.  It’s a transition, and it’s not easy.  It requires a lot of tongue biting and still requires give and take. 

Still a long road ahead, but progress is being made each day.

Welcome to my journey!


That was tough.

31 Mar

Thursday kicked my ass.  It was such a difficult day.  I went to the courthouse alone, and met with an attorney I had never met before (he turned out to be great).  Within minutes, we were before the judge.  The lawyer asked me the prove up questions, and the judge approved it – less than 5 minutes.  I walked into the court room a married woman, and walked out divorced… all alone. 

Scariest moment of my life.

I got into my car and began to sob.  I cried all the way home and for the next hour or so.  I was surprised it hit me so hard because, really, nothing in my life changes that much.  We have been separated since Thanksgiving; we are already using the custody schedule.  However, I was sick at my stomach, headache and crying!    I didn’t speak for about 3 hours after I left the courthouse.  I just cried and thought and reminisced and prayed and hoped and wished, and cried some more.  My eyes burned that evening from crying so much during the day.

But… I made it through.  I survived the first night.  And, guess what, I survived the second night too!  I’m planning to make it through tonight too!

 You know what is surprising?  I feel so much less stress now.  No more worrying about what he will or won’t agree to.  No more worrying about how much I am paying my attorney for each email, question and/or phone call.  No more worrying about what it will be like.  No more worrying about any of that.  I have a certain amount of relief now, in a really weird way. 

My house will be refinanced and in my name early next week.  Another HUGE stressor removed from my plate.

Maybe I can focus on other things now.  Maybe I can be a better person, more interested in life, happier, more motivated. 

Maybe I can find myself again.

This morning, we both took the kids to take pictures in the bluebonnets, and went to Big Girl’s soccer game.  It was fine… more normal that it has been in years.  No expectations.  No anger. 

 We all made it through!  Yay for us!  We are going to be okay!  I know it.

For me, having the kids this week made things easier.  There was minimal time to feel sorry for myself.  The kids needed to continue their normal routines.  They had to get up and go to school on Friday; I had to work Friday.  They gave me a reality kick; life doesn’t stop, or even slow down just because I’m going through hell.  I’ve got to start moving forward.  That’s a post for another day because I have no idea how the hell I am going to do that!

Welcome to my journey!


This is Really Happening.

28 Mar

I am going to go ahead and warn you that this post will be chock full of profanity!  Consider yourself warned; it’s okay if you want to stop reading here.  I understand.

It’s been a shitty day and I am so stressed out.  Divorce is the worst fucking thing to happen in my life.  I went through 2 with my parents and have harbored hatred toward those divorces ever since.  I swore that I would never get divorced, and that I would never put my children through a divorce. I fucking hate divorce.  It is a shitty thing to do to each other, and horrible to do to your kids.

My lawyer faxed over the signature page of the decree to me today.  STBEH and his attorney had already signed.  All I had to do was print and sign.  When I opened the document, my heart sank; my stomach and head began to hurt.  I texted a couple of my good friends.  It didn’t help.  I printed the form, but I couldn’t look at it.  I laid my head down on my desk and sobbed!  I mean full on sobbing;  huge tears streaming down my face!  This is fucking sucks.

Ultimately, though, I signed the document and sent back to my lawyer.  This is really happening.

Tomorrow, I spend the morning at the court house in front of the judge finalizing the divorce.  Tomorrow afternoon, I will be a divorced woman, a single mom – labels I never wanted.

This is my life’s biggest failure.

This year has come full circle from infidelity to divorce in 365 days.  It’s been a horrible year.  A year of angst, and second guessing, and harder work than I ever imagined I could do.  It’s been a year of fighting and arguing.  It’s been a year of hoping and praying.  It’s also been a year of growth and accepting reality.  And, here I am, ending my marriage  364 days after STBEH spent $1000.00 at Tiffany’s for guilt gifts for me, 365 days after the infidelity,  27 days before our 9th wedding anniversary!

Now, it’s time to move forward.  Make the best of life for me and for my children.

Welcome to my journey.


Picking up Speed.

23 Mar

Things are picking up speed, and moving forward so quickly all of a sudden. 

This divorce has been a long time coming; we had a very unhappy marraige, and despite my best efforts (and very little effort on his part), things did not improve, but instead, only became worse over time.  I finally filed divorce papers in July, 2011.  There  has been a lot of waiting, and talking and discussing, and waiting some more. 

All of a sudden, this week, things seem to be moving ahead at warp speed. 

It has seemed to take on a life of its own, almost.  Just plowing ahead.  I almost feel like I am having an out of body experience, watching this life happen, watching this process happen, and still, at times, not even able to believe it myself.  This week, I finalized the first draft of the decree with my lawyer; I believe it is extremely fair and equitable, and is driven by what is in the childrens’ best interest.  It was submitted to STBEH’s lawyer.  STBEH received it yesterday, and was furious about it.  He has a lot of questions (that is what happens when you fail to educate yourself, and when you hire a criminal lawyer for your divorce lawyer).  We spoke last night, and I think he has calmed down some.  I really hope he has.  He meets with his lawyer this morning; I just really hope his lawyer does not get him angry and irrational during their meeting.

In addition to the divorce, I am trying to refinance the house in my name so I can stay here, but my 45 day rate lock expires next week, and I need to close by Wednesday in order for it to fund timely.  I need an executed divorce decree before I can close.  We are going to try to finalize the divorce prior to the end of next week!  Unbelievable.

OH MY GOSH!  this is really happening. to me.  to us.  to our innocent children.

There is a huge part of me that is ready for this.  Ready to move on.  Ready to be free from all of the difficulties and unhappiness of this marraige.  It has not been healthy for any of us for the last few years.

There is a huge part of me that is so sad about this.  I feel horrible that we are doing this to our children.  I wish it could have been different.  Our kids deserve better.  Our kids deserve a happy family too, and I think this is our only chance to provide that for them.

There is a huge part of me that feels so guilty and ashamed about the divorce.  It is embarassing to me.  I consider this a huge failure in my life.


I think bringing divorce to closure (and consequently closing on the house) will actually help some of these emotions to begin to subside, and for some healing to begin.  With things still up in the air, it is difficult to relax.  It is difficult to focus on other things because this is always tugging at me.  So many things to negotiate.  So many things to consider. 

Welcome to my journey.