Tag Archives: fear

That was tough.

31 Mar

Thursday kicked my ass.  It was such a difficult day.  I went to the courthouse alone, and met with an attorney I had never met before (he turned out to be great).  Within minutes, we were before the judge.  The lawyer asked me the prove up questions, and the judge approved it – less than 5 minutes.  I walked into the court room a married woman, and walked out divorced… all alone. 

Scariest moment of my life.

I got into my car and began to sob.  I cried all the way home and for the next hour or so.  I was surprised it hit me so hard because, really, nothing in my life changes that much.  We have been separated since Thanksgiving; we are already using the custody schedule.  However, I was sick at my stomach, headache and crying!    I didn’t speak for about 3 hours after I left the courthouse.  I just cried and thought and reminisced and prayed and hoped and wished, and cried some more.  My eyes burned that evening from crying so much during the day.

But… I made it through.  I survived the first night.  And, guess what, I survived the second night too!  I’m planning to make it through tonight too!

 You know what is surprising?  I feel so much less stress now.  No more worrying about what he will or won’t agree to.  No more worrying about how much I am paying my attorney for each email, question and/or phone call.  No more worrying about what it will be like.  No more worrying about any of that.  I have a certain amount of relief now, in a really weird way. 

My house will be refinanced and in my name early next week.  Another HUGE stressor removed from my plate.

Maybe I can focus on other things now.  Maybe I can be a better person, more interested in life, happier, more motivated. 

Maybe I can find myself again.

This morning, we both took the kids to take pictures in the bluebonnets, and went to Big Girl’s soccer game.  It was fine… more normal that it has been in years.  No expectations.  No anger. 

 We all made it through!  Yay for us!  We are going to be okay!  I know it.

For me, having the kids this week made things easier.  There was minimal time to feel sorry for myself.  The kids needed to continue their normal routines.  They had to get up and go to school on Friday; I had to work Friday.  They gave me a reality kick; life doesn’t stop, or even slow down just because I’m going through hell.  I’ve got to start moving forward.  That’s a post for another day because I have no idea how the hell I am going to do that!

Welcome to my journey!


This is Really Happening.

28 Mar

I am going to go ahead and warn you that this post will be chock full of profanity!  Consider yourself warned; it’s okay if you want to stop reading here.  I understand.

It’s been a shitty day and I am so stressed out.  Divorce is the worst fucking thing to happen in my life.  I went through 2 with my parents and have harbored hatred toward those divorces ever since.  I swore that I would never get divorced, and that I would never put my children through a divorce. I fucking hate divorce.  It is a shitty thing to do to each other, and horrible to do to your kids.

My lawyer faxed over the signature page of the decree to me today.  STBEH and his attorney had already signed.  All I had to do was print and sign.  When I opened the document, my heart sank; my stomach and head began to hurt.  I texted a couple of my good friends.  It didn’t help.  I printed the form, but I couldn’t look at it.  I laid my head down on my desk and sobbed!  I mean full on sobbing;  huge tears streaming down my face!  This is fucking sucks.

Ultimately, though, I signed the document and sent back to my lawyer.  This is really happening.

Tomorrow, I spend the morning at the court house in front of the judge finalizing the divorce.  Tomorrow afternoon, I will be a divorced woman, a single mom – labels I never wanted.

This is my life’s biggest failure.

This year has come full circle from infidelity to divorce in 365 days.  It’s been a horrible year.  A year of angst, and second guessing, and harder work than I ever imagined I could do.  It’s been a year of fighting and arguing.  It’s been a year of hoping and praying.  It’s also been a year of growth and accepting reality.  And, here I am, ending my marriage  364 days after STBEH spent $1000.00 at Tiffany’s for guilt gifts for me, 365 days after the infidelity,  27 days before our 9th wedding anniversary!

Now, it’s time to move forward.  Make the best of life for me and for my children.

Welcome to my journey.


The end is in sight.

27 Mar

It’s been another long, tough day in many regards.  And a very pleasant day in other regards.  I met with my therapist this morning which is always so wonderful.  She is such a great listener, and always leaves me with so much to think about.   I leave with a different perspective, and sometimes just feel like I had someone to listen to me… and to whom I can share everything without being guarded or worrying about being judged.

And there is so much to think about right now!

I also reviewed the divorce decree and negotiated with STBEH – very stressful.  I think we are coming to an agreement very quickly.  I am so ready to be finished with this mess.  I am so tired of worrying and waiting and wondering and stressing about it!  I just want to be able to focus on some other things.  I feel like I am trapped and unable to do anything, and I just want out of this relationship. 

 I can’t move forward, and I can’t go back – just stuck in the middle… immobilized.

I’m tired of reviewing agreements, and decrees and financial statements.  I’m tired of spending my days worrying about this stuff.  I am so stressed out that today, I ate 1/2 a piece of fish and some green beans, and one baby red potato.  That’s it.  I am losing weight at a rapid rate, which I don’t mind the results, but I know it’s not healthy either.  I haven’t been this size since college.

I’m hoping we can finalize this week.  I’m hoping for some peace and stability and more happiness.  I’m hoping for a better life.

Welcome to my journey.



Picking up Speed.

23 Mar

Things are picking up speed, and moving forward so quickly all of a sudden. 

This divorce has been a long time coming; we had a very unhappy marraige, and despite my best efforts (and very little effort on his part), things did not improve, but instead, only became worse over time.  I finally filed divorce papers in July, 2011.  There  has been a lot of waiting, and talking and discussing, and waiting some more. 

All of a sudden, this week, things seem to be moving ahead at warp speed. 

It has seemed to take on a life of its own, almost.  Just plowing ahead.  I almost feel like I am having an out of body experience, watching this life happen, watching this process happen, and still, at times, not even able to believe it myself.  This week, I finalized the first draft of the decree with my lawyer; I believe it is extremely fair and equitable, and is driven by what is in the childrens’ best interest.  It was submitted to STBEH’s lawyer.  STBEH received it yesterday, and was furious about it.  He has a lot of questions (that is what happens when you fail to educate yourself, and when you hire a criminal lawyer for your divorce lawyer).  We spoke last night, and I think he has calmed down some.  I really hope he has.  He meets with his lawyer this morning; I just really hope his lawyer does not get him angry and irrational during their meeting.

In addition to the divorce, I am trying to refinance the house in my name so I can stay here, but my 45 day rate lock expires next week, and I need to close by Wednesday in order for it to fund timely.  I need an executed divorce decree before I can close.  We are going to try to finalize the divorce prior to the end of next week!  Unbelievable.

OH MY GOSH!  this is really happening. to me.  to us.  to our innocent children.

There is a huge part of me that is ready for this.  Ready to move on.  Ready to be free from all of the difficulties and unhappiness of this marraige.  It has not been healthy for any of us for the last few years.

There is a huge part of me that is so sad about this.  I feel horrible that we are doing this to our children.  I wish it could have been different.  Our kids deserve better.  Our kids deserve a happy family too, and I think this is our only chance to provide that for them.

There is a huge part of me that feels so guilty and ashamed about the divorce.  It is embarassing to me.  I consider this a huge failure in my life.


I think bringing divorce to closure (and consequently closing on the house) will actually help some of these emotions to begin to subside, and for some healing to begin.  With things still up in the air, it is difficult to relax.  It is difficult to focus on other things because this is always tugging at me.  So many things to negotiate.  So many things to consider. 

Welcome to my journey.


It’s happening.

21 Mar

Holy Crap!  It’s Happening!

We finalized the decree today, and my lawyer sent it over to his lawyer to review.  I am sick at my stomach, and at the same time feeling a huge sense of relief.

I am so nervous about how he will respond, and I want this to go smoothly and quickly.  But it is out of my hands for now.  I am so stressed out over this entire thing, and so ready for this all to be over.  I’ve had migraines for the last 2 days and can barely keep any food down due to the stress.  I need something to give.

I think I’ll go watch soccer practice and take some deep breaths!

Welcome to my journey!


Divorce is hard. And real.

19 Mar

Tough day today.  Mixed emotions.

Just proofed the divorce decree, and had some other divorce related paperwork notarized.  Not a fun way to spend a Monday morning.  Things are in motion, and are beginning to feel like fast forward.  I feel like things have been dragging along slowly for so long, and now things are coming together.

Becoming real.  Final.  Overwhelming.

It is a weird feeling to really know that I am about to be divorced.  Not me.  I don’t even believe in divorce.  Seeing it in writing is difficult.

“IT IS ORDERED AND DECREED that [I and STBEH] are divorced and that the marriage between them is dissolved”.

Those words almost took my breath away this morning. 

It’s hard.

I wish it were easier, and then, at times, I don’t.  If it were easy, that would be problematic too.  Divorce isn’t supposed to be easy.  Neither is marriage.  I wish it didn’t have to be this way, that we could have made it work.

Welcome to my journey.


Spring Break.

15 Mar

It’s spring break this week for my kids.  Big Girl got strep throat Saturday night, but has had a blast being off of school this week.  I have been stuck 50 miles away, holed up in a crappy hotel for a business meeting since Monday.  I finally get to go home tomorrow, and I am so ready to see my babies.  I miss them so much.

The kids have spent the week with STBEH.  They have been at the house all week, which is so weird to me.  And, it’s weird that it’s weird to me that he is staying at the house. This is the home we purchased together several years together to raise our family in.  We picked out this neighborhood because we thought it would be good for our family, safe for our kids to play.  So weird and so sad.

I feel so lost and sometimes, a little helpless.  I’m trying to gain a little control by just moving things along one step at a time.   There’s just so much to do and so much emotion, and so much exhaustion sometimes.

Welcome to my journey!


Divorce Sucks.

4 Mar

As I write this, I am sitting alone in my living room, blinds closed, messy house with tears in my eyes.  The kids are with their dad this weekend, and it sucks.

This has been a really tough weekend.  I have been so unmotivated and can barely do anything.  I’ve spent all of my energy thinking and trying to figure things out… things which I can probably never figure out.  Things that are so contradictory that don’t even make sense, yet, they are my reality.  I am not living the life I set out to live; in fact, I am living out things that I believe to be inherently wrong, and bad for everyone involved.  And I made the choice.  I believe that divorce is wrong and that it hurts everyone involved.  I belive that divorce is selfish, and sometimes, is taking the easy way out.

I am trying to figure out how to save my kids from the heartache and constant back and forth that they will have forced upon them because their mom and dad can’t get along.  You can’t just quit on family.  That’s not how it works.  Why do we, as adults, get to quit when things don’t go our way, but we teach our kids the opposite?

I’ve been thinking all weekend about what it would be like if we got back together.  Could I ever love or trust him again?  I don’t think so; things spiraled so far out of control that I cannot ever trust him again.  Trust is the crux of marraige, or any relationship, at least it is for me.  Is it worth being in a loveless marraige?  Is that good for our kids?  Sometimes, it just seems like it would be so nice for us all to be a family again, and not so messed up and complicated.  However, I think that, even if we did get back together, things would still be messed up and complicated.  He has betrayed me in so many ways and for so many years that I would be that wife that checked and double-checked everything (or eventually gave up and let him do what he wanted).  I cannot live like that; and nobody else should have to be on the receiving side of that.  It is destructive to both parties.

So I am sitting here this morning, thinking about all of this, feeling horrible guilt for what we are doing to our children, and I get a text from him “Let’s not get divorced I love u and the kids so much!”.  WTH?!  Not a good time for this!  Why are we both thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time?!

I am killing myself taking care of the children and working a very demanding job, and taking care of the house alone.  It would be so nice to have someone here to help when I need it in the early mornings or late evenings.  I am having to miss out on things at work because of committments with the kids, and vice versa.  I know that is a balance that every working mom has to deal with, but it’s out of whack now and I can’t do it all well, and feel like I am barely scraping by.  I’m getting the bare minimum done on all fronts, and it’s not enough.  It would be easier on that front if we were back together.  He could help out more with the kids and pick up some of the slack.

I don’t want my kids to grow up living out of suitcases because they have to go to dad’s every other weekend.  I don’t want my kids to have to miss out on one parent during the holidays.  I don’t want my kids to expereience the horrible heartache that comes with missing a parent so much, and knowing that their parents don’t love each other.

I don’t want to be divorced, and I cannot stay married to him.  This is a horrible mess!

Welcome to my journey!


Moving Day

19 Dec

Well, today is the day.  The day I never dreamed would or could actually happen…  My husband is moving out.

Let me back up a little bit first.  I have two well-adjusted small children whom I (we) absolutely adore.  We live in a great neighborhood, and have a great life.  So, why is this happening to me?  To us?  Never in a million years did I ever dream that I would be uttering these words… “my husband is moving out”.  Never in a million years did I dream that I would be getting divorced.  But… here I am.. about to become a single mom.

It is a bittersweet day.  I am filled with grief and guilt, and also have a huge sense of relief.  I am terrified of what’s to come, and looking forward to my new life.  I am so worried about my kids, and feel confident that they will be better because of this decision.

I am more afraid than I have been about anything before.  I am confident in the decision to divorce and will move forward the best way I know how.  There is so much to do, and so many decisions to make.

Welcome to my journey.