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Cheat night

12 Jul

The kids are gone for a couple of weeks with their dad. That means I have some very rare alone time. I got about 4 inches cut off of my hair earlier today. 

It is a gorgeous summer evening in Texas. The breeze is blowing. It’s 8:30 at night and I’m sitting on an awesome patio enjoying some fresh air and having sangria.   A little Tone Loc playing. Usually, I’m fishing the bedtime routine with the kids and stuck inside the house until morning. I miss them like crazy. But this?  It’s lovely. 
I’m sure there is sugar in this beverage and it is so delicious!!  

Sometimes, it’s good to take a minute for yourself and relax. Breathe some fresh air. Be still. 

Thank you for coming along on my journey!  Cheers!

-Sarah

Family

2 Jul

Let’s be honest here… Life is wonderful and magical and delightful.  Life is also full of tragedy and heartache and pain.  It’s agonizing and amazing all at once.

My son is having a difficult time.  His behavior can be a challenge.  I worry about him ALL OF THE TIME.  He is a wonderful child – smart, creative, funny, kind, helpful, loving.  But at the same time, he can be impulsive and angry and disruptive.

My ex and I do not get along well.  Oh, we try to in front of the kids.  I try really hard to make it look like everything is fine.  We don’t co-parent as well as we could. The kids are onto it.  They know.  You can cut the tension with a knife.

WE MUST DO BETTER FOR OUR CHILDREN…  FOR OUR FAMILY.

Healthy living

It’s time for change… for all of us.

I’ve made a list of things I am going to work on in the next 6 months to help to improve our lives, our health and our family.  I started a “no sugar” diet for the month of June and I did okay.  I cheated some, but overall did well.  I have more energy, feel better and my legs and belly are a little smaller, too.  I’m doing it again for July.

  1. Address my work commute.  My office and my home are too far away, and it keeps me away from home too long during the day.
  2. Address our health and nutrition.  I have replaced all cleaners and skincare and cosmetics with non-toxic products.  Next, we need to focus on the chemicals and toxins in our food.  My son and I both have a sweet tooth so this is going to be hard!
  3. Address the relationship with my ex-husband to allow us to co-parent better.
  4. Address my son’s difficulty and anger.  Much of the above will help.

Thank you for joining my journey.

Sarah

 

It wasn’t so bad.

27 Dec

In fact, it was pretty good.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  Luke 2:10

My wonderful mom and my step-dad came into town to spend Christmas with me.  We stayed so busy which kept my mind off of other things, and we had so much fun.  I spent a lot of time getting the house just right… clean, decorated, gifts wrapped and under the tree.  The lights were on outside, and everything was just about perfect when they arrived.

We purchased lots of baby things for a charity so we could provide a wonderful donation to families in need during this winter season.  We went to church on Christmas Eve and then onto a fantastic steak restaurant for dinner.  Food was so good; we drank wine; we laughed a lot.

Christmas morning, my kids called, and we were able to connect on FaceTime.  I was able to watch them open their stockings and their Santa gifts (which my ex-husband and I purchased jointly).  They were so excited and so cute.  After opening each gift, they ran to the phone to show it to me.  It made the morning so much better that I got to participate a little bit in their Christmas.  I think they liked that too.

Then, we opened our gifts.  My parents were too generous with me and I think they liked their gifts as well.  Later that day, we drove out to a resort which is known for its amazing Christmas decorations.  We walked around, drank hot chocolate, and laughed a little more.

Then it snowed!

I don’t generally like snow, but on Christmas day, I think it is magical!  We came home to make dinner.  We had an amazing dinner planned: beef tenderloin, pork tenderloin, squash casserole, beer bread, green salad, and mashed potatoes.  As we opened the oven door to put the casserole in, it shattered.  The front glass of the oven door shattered into a million pieces, scattered all over the kitchen, and into the squash casserole.

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Of course, the oven shattered BEFORE we had cooked any of the dinner!!  We had to throw away the squash casserole, and then slice the tenderloins and fry them on the stove!  Still tasted good, but just not the same!

The table looked amazing though, and we had a fun dinner with good wine!  Good wine helped a lot!

I hope you and your families, whatever they look like this year, had a wonderful Christmas.  Find your blessings and count them.  My kids come home tomorrow, and I cannot wait to celebrate Christmas with them on Saturday morning!

Welcome to my next chapter!

Sarah

 

 

That was painful.

22 Dec

I just kissed my babies and sent them with their dad for the entire week.

Yes, it sucks.  I can’t believe I won’t be with them on Christmas.  How is that even possible?  I can’t even process it because it just isn’t real to me that I won’t be with them on Christmas and Christmas Eve.  I can’t believe it’s here, and really happening.  I’ve been ignoring the reality, and will continue to do so until the day is here.

My daughter was in tears; I was holding back tears as they drove away with their dad.  It was absolutely horrible!

This just isn’t right.  How did we get here?  This is solely me and my ex-husband’s fault, that we have torn my childrens world in two.  I remember these Christmases as a child.  It was fun where you were, but you were so desperately missing the other parent.  I hate us for doing this to them.  They deserve better.  We deserved better.

I’m not saying I want to go back, but I wish we could eliminate any impact on the kids.  I know, I’m a little crazy – I want it both ways.

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

What a difference a year makes.

19 Dec

I didn’t know how I would feel today.  It’s been one full year since I started this blog so Happy Blogiversary to me!

However, I started this blog one year ago because I had to release some emotion.  My then husband moved out of our home, and I needed an outlet (see Moving Day).  I needed a place to sort out my feelings and emotions, and to let it out.  At the time, I didn’t know how I felt.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know where to go.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  I didn’t know what was going to happen.  I was terrified, relieved, sad, worried, tired, and anxious.

One year ago. 

It’s unbelievable and remarkable how much has changed in one year.  Mostly good things have happened.  Some really difficult things have happened.  My life has dramatically changed as has my outlook on just about everything.

One year ago.

  • I started this blog.  I met a lot of amazing people whose journeys I follow, and whom I think about and pray for in real life.  I love writing this blog, and I’m so thankful for those of you that follow along.
  • My then husband moved out of our home.
  • I spent Christmas with our children, without my then husband.  I didn’t miss him.
  • My then husband bought a new car, and told me after the fact.  He also said he wanted to get back together.
  • I finalized the divorce.  I went to court a married woman, and left divorced.  I cried like I have never cried before.  I felt completely defeated and alone.  I felt like a utter and total failure in life.
  • I didn’t know what to do or how to move forward, but I knew I couldn’t stay stagnant.
  • My dad took my ex-husband’s side.  Then mine.
  • My mom supported me 200% without ever wavering.  She was my rock and my strength, and I need to tell her.
  • I refinanced my home and I stayed in my home.  That means, I don’t disrupt the kids; they stay at the same schools, and keep their routines.
  • I cleaned out some clutter, beginning with a new bed and cleaning the closet, and the kitchen, and the bathroom, and the kids rooms, and the attic.  I reorganized, and got rid of a lot of junk.  I’m afraid this job will never be done!
  • I learned how to remove and then replace a doorknob.
  • I became a better cook.
  • I learned where to find good deals, cut coupons, and save money.
  • I learned how to hook up my TV to cable.
  • I mowed the lawn.  I planted some flowers.
  • I made a lot of new friends in the neighborhood.
  • I entertained people at my home; I got invited to parties.
  • I worked really hard.
  • I loved my children.
  • I prayed a lot.  I need to pray a lot more.
  • I got really sick.  I got better.
  • I leaned on others and asked for help.
  • I found reliable people to help me — babysitter, dog sitter, handyman, friends, and family.

I made it through the year of separation, and am so glad it is over.  It has been a life-changing, roller coaster year!  And I finally can say that I am happier, that I am happy.  For the first time in a very long time, if not ever, I am happy.  I am grateful and thankful and appreciative of everything I have, and all of those who are part of my life.  I am happy in just loving my kids.  That’s all I need.  And, yet, I’ve gotten so much more than I ever deserve.

I’ve learned that I can’t do it all alone, and I have to ask for help.  I’ve learned that family is everything in this life, and I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a wonderful, and supportive family.  I’ve learned that the more love you give, the more you receive.  I’ve learned to let go of the negative and focus on the positive.

It’s been an amazing year of growth and transition… and thank you for being here with me.  It has simultaneously been the best and worst year of my life.  I don’t ever want another year like this one; the bad days were really bad, but the good days have been amazing.  I want more amazing days, and fewer hellish days.   I have a completely new outlook on life.  I have a bright future ahead.  It’s not always going to be easy, but I can do it.  I made it through this year, right?!

I’m ready for what life has to offer.  2013… Bring it on!

Welcome to my next chapter.

Sarah

It’s tough.

17 Nov

Does it ever seem normal to watch your kids go with their dad for the weekend?  I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with it; I’m not as lonely or bored as I once was when they were gone.  I take advantage of the time to see friends, catch up on sleep, and run errands – things I can’t do when they are at home.  However, it’s so hard to let them go.

Last night, they left before I got home  from work.  That was tough, especially since I was expecting to see them, but got stuck in traffic for 2 1/2 hours on my commute home!!  So I missed them.  However, I noticed that my ex-husband had forgotten my son’s medicine so they had to come back (in the last 10 days, my son has had both strep throat and an ear infection).  I took the medicine out to the car so the kids didn’t have to get out.  Putting them back in the car would have been nearly impossible.  I went out to the car, and gave big hugs and kisses, heard about their day.  But, when I went around to my son’s side, he raised his arms in the air and said “up, up, up…. Mommy, up!”.  I couldn’t get him out of the car or it would have been even more difficult.  When I said “no”, the crying and tears began.  I felt so helpless.  My sweet baby crying; all he wanted to do was see his mommy, and I couldn’t help him.  He had to go.  I knew he would have a good time.  But, I am haunted all weekend by his cries and sweet face looking at me, depending on me.

Truly, it sucks.

The kids are always on the road, always missing one of us.  I hate it for them.

Now, the children are with their dad, at his sister’s house, having a blast.  They are cooking for Thanksgiving, helping put lights on wreaths, and decorate for Christmas.  They are having a ball.  But, I miss them, and all I can hear in my head are my sweet son’s cries for mommy.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

It’s Been a Long Time Since I did THIS.

1 Oct

My yard is a mess.  I have not done very little to it since my ex-husband moved out last December.  I’ve hired someone to mow, and my ex-husband has mowed a few times for me too.

But, that is about it. I’ve not put down any fertilizer, and there has been no TLC, no landscaping…  It was so hot this summer that my grass is patchy.  My yard is FULL of weeds.  This week, I picked a bunch of weeds – 3 trashbags full.    And, the yard is still full of them!  And, of course, as I pick more weeds, my yard becomes even more patchy!  Hopefully, some grass fills in soon!

So, this weekend, I took on a task that I have not done in YEARS!  I mowed my lawn.

I have never mowed the lawn in this house.  I have not even run the lawnmower since we bought it.  I’ve never in my life edged the yard. I don’t think I’ve ever run a weed-eater!  The yard in this house is substantailly larger than the yard in our old house, and I used to mow that yard all of the time.  It took my ex-husband to do it, but I always thought he wasted a lot of time out there.  I’m about to find out.

it wasn’t too bad either.  I mowed the front in about 1/2 an hour, and it was nice to be outside and get a little bit of exercise.  It was nice to accomplish something different.  (I feel like I spin my wheels cleaning the inside of the house as it is never finished!)  I felt so motivated after I finished that I went to the store and purchased fall flowers. I raked out the flower beds, and I lay new garden soil in the flower beds, and planted pansies and kale.  They look pretty.

I didn’t edge though, and that’s next on the list.  Grass is flowing over onto the sidewalk a little bit so it’s got to be done!  My neighbors’ grass is nicely contained within the yard area so mine sticks out like a sore thumb!

And that’s just the front yard!

I cranked up the mower in the back to mow, and got about half way across the yard, and the mower stopped.  Out of Gas!  So, it still hasn’t been mowed, and is beginning to look like a jungle.  I’ve got to get out there and mow it.  First, I need to figure out how to put gas in it!  Slowly, but surely, I’m taking control of this house and this life.

I’ve been pulling weeds all week, and it’s been nice to be outside; I forget how much I love working in the yard and being in nature.  It’s hard to do with Baby Boy running all over the place.  I tried to pick weeds in the front yard earlier this week.  Big Girl was on her scooter, riding around, and of course, Baby Boy, wanted to go with her.  So, I spent the majority of the time chasing after him.  We had a really fun time, but, needless to say, very few weeds were pulled!

Welcome to my journey!

Organization

18 Sep

I used to be organized!  My house used to be organized and clean!

Enter one dog, two kids.

Exit one husband.

Life has brought a lot of changes over the years, and as a result, my house always looks like a tornado has blown through!!  The kids are getting better about picking up toys, but the paperwork from school, mail, filing is out of control!!

And the dog hair!  Oh my goodness.  I sweep and vacuum my house 2-3 times a day, and it still feels dirty.   Maybe I need to bathe and brush the dog once in awhile, but these days, I’m just glad to get my kids bathed.  In fact, that reminds me, I really need a shower myself!!  LOL!  No, seriously, it’s been a couple of days!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Life is Fragile.

15 Aug

This is not what I expected today. 

This is Big Girl’s week to be with her dad all week.  She has been so excited about this week, and they have been having a ball.  He lives with his parents, and his sister and her family live a few blocks away.  My kids have a fun time there seeing lots of family and getting really spoiled.

This morning, Baby Boy and I got up and ready for the day.  We had some extra time so we decided to call ex-husband and Big Girl so he could say “good morning” before school.  No answer at 8:00. Unusual.

A few minutes later, ex husband called back.  Big Girl was still asleep.

There’s been an emergency. 

Overnight, ex-husband’s father suffered a stroke.  This morning, he was slurring his words, and unable to stand or walk.  They called 911, and the paramedics rushed him to the hospital.  After tests, observation and an MRI, it was determined that he had a stroke, and that he has early stages of Alzheimer’s.

And, just like that, our lives are forever changed.

I rushed to their house to pick up my daughter.  She had so many questions.  What happened to Pop Pop?  Why is he sick?  Why didn’t he just go to the doctor instead of the hospital?  What will they do to him at the hospital?

I tried to explain that they were trying to find out what was wrong with him so they could make him better, and the hospital is the best place to do that.  They have lots of doctors and nurses there who can take good care of him until he feels well enough to come home.  She heard me, but I think she is still really worried.  She can tell something is wrong.

Tonight, when she said her prayers, she prayed that Pop Pop didn’t have a death sickness, and that he got better soon.

 A hard reminder at how precious  and fragile life is.

I don’t know what the recovery will be like.  I don’t know if he will be able to speak normally, or walk on his own.  Time will tell.

I’ve been thinking about my role in this too.  With the divorce and separation being so recent, and our relationship being fairly amicable, I’m not sure what it should look like.  Do I reach out to his mother?  Do I offer to help or provide support?  Do I go over there?  All at the same time, remembering, that I am trying to set boundaries, and create separation and space.  So, I decided that it is my role to care for the children.  It is my role to help prepare my kids for whatever happens next.  Watching the illness progress.  Watching his health decline.  Answering their questions appropriately and truthfully.

So tonight, I hugged my little ones a little tighter.  I’m thankful for our health and loving family.  I’m praying for my ex-husband’s family, and for my children.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Back and Forth

30 Jul

Kids were with their dad this weekend.  I don’t know if I will ever get used to this. 

It just kills me that the kids are constantly on the move from my house to their dad’s — until they are grown.  Back and forth every two weeks for the next 15 to 18 years. I just hate that they are constantly on the move.

I feel sorry for them.  I would hate to live that way.  My parents were divorced, but my dad lived across the country from us so we only saw him a few times a year growing up.  Not ideal either, but the constant back and forth has got to be exhausting for them!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah