In Limbo

So, I had a crazy weekend; the kids were with soon-to-be-ex-husband (STBEH) for the weekend. I did a bunch of work around the house. Cleaning, sanitizing, vacuuming, washing laundry, changing sheets. Trying to get the house clean since the kids have been sick for the last few weeks. The problem with this type of cleaning is that it isn’t that noticeable – not like picking up the clutter. Although I knew I had worked my tail off, it wasn’t too noticable! So frustrating! But, I know my kids have a clean house.

I shopped all day on Saturday – looking for some items to orgainze my home office; I work full time from home; I run a small business and I write this blog – I obviously have a multi-purpose office. I have TONS of paperwork. I got a lot organized in there, but still have a long way to go. One of my favorite things I purchased are these hanging pocket folders; I bought teal, and they are a nice punch of color on the wall. And practical for holding stuff. I am using one for the kids’ school stuff and one for my company. Mostly follow up things that I don’t want to permenantly file away just yet! They are working out great!

Work has been insane – so busy, and so much to do. I have also completely re-worked the entire way that I am organizing and following up on work things. It seems to be working so far; although, I have only had one full day to test things out! Lots of color purple and green file folders, teal hanging folders – making the office more cheerful!

STBEH is causing a lot of stress for me. He acted like a real jerk on Friday, and we got into an argument about it. It is so tough. He really wants to work things out; I really cannot see that for us right now. Those conversations are so tough. I am trying so hard to keep our relationship positive… for the sake of ourselves and our children. I feel strongly that we are bonded together for the next 18 years or so so we need to make the best of it, and salvage the relationship so that we can move forwad in a positive way. I think, ultimately, we could be good friends… we are now, but he is trying to work things out. I worry that may change after the divorce.

Living in limbo is tough. I feel like I cannot make any decisions to move forward until everything is final. But, he is keeping us in limbo, wanting to work things out. This makes me very anxious about things. I don’t know where I will live, where I will go, and I can’t really make any plans because now, I have no idea when he will agree to move on. I just want some closure; I feel really held back and constrained in my life because I feel kind of stuck in this place where I can only plan certain parts of my life. It is so stressful. It will be stressful when the decisions need to be made as well.

Watching the Today Show this morning. I don’t know why 911 tapes are ever made public!

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

Weekend

This has been one hell of a week. I missed so much work being home with sick baby. Catching up the past two days has been so hectic!

My kids are with their dad this weekend, and I already miss them so much that my heart hurts! I cannot wait to see them on Sunday.

I have no plans… Just get a bunch of things done around the house. And, there is so much to do around here, as usual.

With both kids being sick in the last few weeks, laundry is piling up and I have piles all over- dirty, clean, folded, to be folded… And a load in the dryer!

I’ll be so happy to have the house in good shape for them to come home too!

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah

Enjoy the Small Moments…

Life can be so overwhelming and stressful sometimes; luckily, it is also happy and magical at the same time. In the midst of the stress and angst of the divorce, mixed emotions, and sick kids, I also am reminded of how blessed I am. It’s hard… my baby boy is so sick right now with a severe cold, double ear infections and double pink eye. He feels and looks rotten. Yet, he is such a trooper, and is such a sweet and loving baby. My sweet daughter had a great morning this morning – no yelling, no arguing, just did what she needed to do. I really do find joy in these small things, and I am making an effort to look for them more frequently, to notice them, and to make a point to tell my children when I see these successes… no matter how small.

Sometimes, all of this stress can be so consuming that I forget to stop and appreciate the moment, no matter how crazy. I love these kids and I am going to help them get through this, and they need to see me happy, loving and silly. And I need to do a better job of slowing down, and giving them the attention they need. I sometimes become so focused on all that needs to be done that I don’t stop to play or tell a story or play with a doll/truck/whatever. It is so much easier said than done; so easy to get caught up in all the things I have to do. But, when I let go of that, and really give my kids what they need, I am rewarded and energized so that I can be more productive in other areas of my life. It makes me better at everything else too.

After school is tough, and I am trying to make that transition a little easier as well. We just have a couple of hours between the time she gets home and bed time, so how to manage that time – do homework, make/eat dinner, play, free time… So much to pack in, and it gets hectic.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Sick and Tired

Y’all, my baby is sick yet again. Here’s how the last few weeks have looked:

• nasty upper respiratory infection of some type for baby boy hit today
• stomach bug last week for baby boy and mild version for me
• pink eye last week for big girl
• strep throat a month ago for big girl.

I am ready for my kids to get better

I had to stay home with baby today, which meant that I didn’t get much work done. So, I’m starting off the week already behind! In addition, it is highly likely that I will be taking him to the doctor tomorrow (more work missed). And I have an appointment on Thursday morning. Seeing a trend of missed work here? Oh my goodness! Seeing some long nights this week to get caught up!

I am exhausted, and don’t have any brain cells left to write much more this evening.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Transition is Tough… Especially on Kids

It’s late and I am tired, so I apologize in advance if this is a little rambling! 

Soon-to-be-ex-husband came over today to get big girl to take her bowling.  They had a Daisy troop daddy/daughter bowling event today.  He came over a little early to replace the batteries in the smoke detectors (which was too kind, and I recognize he didn’t need to do that for us).  Big girl was out of sorts all morning; she was nice,  but defiant at the same time.  I can’t really describe her mood – very clingy and needy, and upset by the smallest things.  But as long as things were going her way, she was sweet as pie and very agreeable.  It just didn’t take much to throw her off this morning.  I knew something was wrong, but she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell me what it was.

She was so excited to see her father when he arrived.  GIANT hugs for him.  I had just put the baby down, and decided to take a nap since I hadn’t slept well last night.  Also, I wanted to give them some time to hang out before they left.  They had a great time at lunch and bowling.  When they got home from bowling, big girl had a really tough time.  We told her should could not do Wii bowling or dancing or anything else on the TV, and she became hysterical. 

 I think transitions are tough on everyone, but especially kids.  Her entire mood and demeanor changes when it is time to go from me to him and back to me.  I think it is very stressful on her poor little self.  This is so terrible.  I. hate. divorce. 

This week, I had even given some crazy thought into trying to reconcile; my soon-to-be-ex-husband is having second thoughts; my daughter is having a tough time going back and forth.  I am the only one who is happy with this decision, and it started to feel selfish.  But, tonight just reaffirmed my decision.  Sometimes, we can get along well; sometimes, it is difficult for us to be in the same room together.  Tonight was tough, at least for me.

It makes me so sad that I (and soon-to-be-ex-husband) get to move on with life once this is finalized, and my babies will be the ones to suffer.  My babies, those precious children whom I absolutely adore, and would do anything to protect, are going to suffer due to my decision.  That is a hard pill to swallow.  I love them so much, and would never do anything to intentionally harm them in any way.  However,while the divorce may be harmful in some ways, I also feel that it is harmful for them to see their parents in an unhappy and loveless marriage.  I want better for my kids, and I want them to be loved and safe.   I just want them to be alright, and I don’t want this divorce to damage them irreparably.  I will always carry this guilt with me, I guess.

I am mourning the loss of a family I had hoped for, and it just isn’t working out the way I thought it would years ago.  It’s just going to be different, but okay, I hope.

Hopefully, these transitions will get easier.  My big girl loves her daddy and misses him terribly.  I understand that.  I wish I could make it better and easier for her, but we’ll need some time to make that happen.  This is new for all of us.

I’d love thoughts and/or ideas on how to make these transitions easier for my kiddos.  I remember the back and forth with my parents, and I hated it!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Beeping Smoke Detectors

The smoke detectors beeped until noon today! We were all going a little cuckoo hearing the beeps over and over again… Especially, the poor dog. The high pitched sound almost sent her over the edge!

I got up on the old rickety ladder last night. Each time I even thought about moving, the entire ladder swayed. Of course, the hallway with the beep has 3 smoke detectors and just happens to be in part of the house with 10 foot ceilings. Even with the ladder, I could barely reach them!! Turns out, our smoke detectors take 9 volt batteries, not AA or AAA that I have at home. So, I just removed the batteries, kidding myself for a brief moment that would stop the incessant beeping! WRONG!! I was so frustrated; I just couldn’t take the noise one minute longer. I had just put the baby to bed so I was not about to go to the store for batteries!

I gave in and called soo-to-be-ex-husband to see if he knew where we kept the 9 volt batteries. I was so desperate, I considered for a brief moment asking him to come back! I felt so overwhelmed by this simple task! I kept my cool though. Turns out, he didn’t know where a secret stash of 9 bolt batteries was either.

So, I curled up with big girl in my bed, and watched Beezus and Ramona with her. I closed the bedroom door to try to block out some of the noise. not very helpful! Ultimately, we did both fall asleep. I woke up every couple hour to hear the beeping beeps.

Soon-to-be-ex-husband came by today to take big girl bowling. He fixed the stupid smoke detectors; I slept!

Note to self… Buy a new ladder and keep 9 volt batteries on hand!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Uh Oh! Noises!

Ummm… Well, I didn’t seriously consider this little problem!  I mean, I thought about it, and just as quickly, I dismissed it.  But, this morning, I am faced with a difficult challenge in the regular maintenance of this house.

I got EIGHT hours of sleep last night!  Did you see that?  Yes, you read it correctly… EIGHT, uninterrupted, sweet hours of sleep!  It was fantastic.  I woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm… and a beep.  Beep.  Beep.  What is it this time?  Not the burglar alarm like it was a few nights ago.  Not the coffee maker.  Not the refrigerator.  Doesn’t sound like a toy.  What could it be?

I went to get the kids up for school.  The beeping got louder; I looked up at the ceiling.  The smoke detector is out of batteries!  Um.  Really?  I have never actually changed the smoke detector batteries – not that I can’t.  I just don’t want to.  That’s one of those things that is normally my husband’s job.  Before the separation, he would have been home on Friday mornings, and would have fixed it first thing – not without complaining and prodding, but it would have been done.  However, it has been beeping for at least 2 hours, and it still continuing to beep.  I won’t even get to it until after I take the baby to school.  OH MY GOSH!  What a pain!  I’ll have to lug out the ladder (did I mention I am afraid of heights), and figure out how to take the stupid thing apart to put the batteries in.  Changing the batteries in the smoke detector is never as easy as it seems it should be!  Ugghh!

I could write a whole series of posts on the noises in this house.  Maybe I will!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Single Mom

I am starting to notice that this blog is a lot about my life as a parent.  That’s because that is my down and dirty, full time, constantly occupying my life day to day routine.  The divorce seems to be on the periphial a lot now.  Perhaps because we are doing a lot of waiting right now.  Not to say it isn’t stressful, just not much is happening on that front, so my focus has been getting my life in order, and getting my kids’ lives in order.  That’s my focus right now.  And that changes a lot.

It’s been a tough and overwhelming couple of weeks.  Getting back into work and school routines has been really tough on me and the kids.  Both kids have been sick, and my house has been a total wreck.  Finally, though, today, I seem to be coming out of it a little.  I cranked through a ton of work today.  I was able to spend some time on the house which was desperately needed (I had a new baby sitter over this evening, so I had to get things picked up).

We had a crazy morning.  I overslept this morning because I was up from midnight to 3:00 with the baby.  We rushed through the morning, and ran outside, just as the school bus was pulling away!  Big girl was so upset, and crying, that the bus driver hadn’t seen her running to catch the bus.  So, we decided to walk to school.  The temperature said 45 degrees so we bundled up a little and walked.  After a few blocks, it soon became apparent that we were not at all dressed for the weather.  It was so cold outside, with a wind chill below freezing!  I had on a fleece and crop knit pants!  It was so cold.  Luckily, I had bundled the baby up.  It was a long, cold walk 1 mile each way!

Last night, I saw a little bookshelf out by my neighbor’s trash.  I have been looking for a book shelf for my daughter’s room, and this was just perfect.  It is one of those cute dollhouse shaped ones, with lots of room for books and toys.  After we walked to school in the freezing cold, I packed baby into the car and drove around the corner… Yes! **fist pump** It is still there!  I drove around a few times looking at it; it looked fine, so I parked the car and loaded it into the back.  The only problem is… it didn’t fit.  I couldn’t close the back.  So, I just pulled the back down as far as it would go, and drove away.  Because it wasn’t shut, the back began to open, slowly at first, and then more quickly, until I was driving down the street with the back wide open and up in the air, with my pilfered bookshelves stuffed precariously into the car!!  A little embarassing, to say the least. 

 

Apparently, I had some serious adreneline going on too, when I piled it into my car because when I got home, I could barely get the bookshelf out of my car because it was so heavy!!  I finally balanced it onto a dolly and carefully took it into my daughter’s room.  Here are a couple of “before” photos of the bookshelves.

And…. after…

It looks so cute in her room, and hold a lot of stuff that had been other places, taking up space.  Oh, and she LOVES it.  I didn’t mentioned that I pulled it out of someone’s trash!  A small detail she is better off not knowing!

All of that before 8:30 in the morning.  It was the start to a very productive day.  Now, I am pooped and ready for sleep!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

False alarm!

Yikes!  I am so sleepy today.  My baby has been sick since last Thursday with some kind of stomach bug.  He has been up at about 4 am to eat for the last 10 days or so.  So, it’s been a long road with him the last few weeks.  Last night, we had some excitement though, in addition to his long nights!

I was sleeping soundly (very soundly on my new mattress) when I awoke at 4 am by the burglar alarm beeping, and the dog barking and growling.  I was scared to death, especially since the dog was barking.  And the growling almost put me over the edge. Well, if that doesn’t wake you up abruptly and quickly, I don’t know what will. 

The alarm wasn’t sounding as if  it had been tripped; it was  just beeping, and beeping, and beeping.    So, I leaned over to turn on the lamp.  No light.   No lights anywhere in the house.  Whew!  At least, now I knew why the alarm was beeping.  However, why was there no electricity?  There was no storm, no strong wind; it was a calm night outside.  Had the wires been cut?  Should I call the police?  I don’t want to call for no reason, but I don’t want someone hurting me or my children either!

Bravely (at least, I thought I was brave), I walked to the door; the lights in the neighborhood were all out; I felt a little better.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  But by now, my mind was racing with mostly unreasonable and irrational thoughts (and nobody there to protect us or to talk me down to reality).  Beep. Beep. Beep.  What if a group of people cut all of the wires to the neighborhood and then they were going to get not only me, but all of my neighbors too?!  What if they were watching me?  Did they knew where my kids slept?  Why didn’t I learn how to use the gun?  Meanwhile, the alarm is still beeping – no way was I going to turn it off. If it was off, it wouldn’t trip if someone did enter my home!  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.

I turned on the flashlight app on my iPhone and looked around the house; all looked clear.  Time to check on the kids; the dog went with me, staying right by my side, and entering each room before me.  Big girl sleeping soundly.  Lights are back on!  Beeping stops!  Open baby’s door…  woke him up!  Oh no!!  Abort! Abort mission, dog!  We tip toed out of the room and down the hall, hoping baby would go back to sleep!  No luck.  I let the dog out in the backyard; she did her business and checked the perimeter of the yard.  No barking.  No growling.  I could assume we were safe (at least in the backyard)!

I prepared a bottle, changed baby’s diaper and fed him.  Still awake and hungry.  Prepared a second bottle, rocked baby.  Still awake.  Rocked him and snuggled with him. Still awake.  So, I decided to put him in bed with me.  At this point, it is about 4:45 in the morning.  I just wanted to go to sleep.  Baby got in bed with me, and was ready to party!  Up and down, crawling around, flopping around, whacking me, kicking me!  Oh my goodness!!  Finally, about 5:45, he fell asleep, and so did I.  Deep sleep – dream land.

And then….  6 am…  Time to wake up.  Alarm went off; had to get up to get big girl ready for school.  SNOOZE!  Alarm went off again.  SNOOZE!  Oh no!  It’s 6:30 am, and have to be at bus stop at 6:55!  Run, run, run!  Luckily, big girl was so sweet and cooperative this morning, and we got out the door right on time to meet the bus.

Sometimes, I really miss having some help and strength, especially on nights like last night!  I was so scared to even get out of bed to check things out around the house… frantically trying to figure out how to get us all out of the house safely, if needed.  I have plans to get everyone out, but in the moment…  In the moment of possiblity, I was terrified!

Thankful for the safety of my family this morning!  Thankful for coffee this morning!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

That was productive!

Gosh, at the end of last week, I was feeling so overwhelmed, it was almost becoming paralyzing.  I had so much to do, I didn’t know where to start.  My mom has been here all weekend, and we have knocked out a bunch of stuff!!  No where close to being finished, but so much accomplished!

• Put finishing touches on my room decor – new curtains from Ikea and new lamps from Pier 1 Imports.
• Organized pantry.. complete with new containers to store dry goods!
• Packed up the Christmas stragglers and got them ready to store.
• Went through the piles of mail and cleared out living room and dining room!
• Went through toy box, and pulled out toys to get rid of.
• Cleaned kids’ rooms
• Connected the DVD player to the TV in my bedroom, and watched a movie
• Found remote control to TV in living room
• Did tons of laundry – all folded and put away

It’s been a busy, and fun weekend.  Things are slowly starting to come together, and I’m feeling better and better about things each day. 

Been great having my mom here, and I will be sad to see her leave tomorrow.  I get lonely, and it was so nice to have her all to my self for a couple of days, doing grown up things, and having grown up conversation.  Sometimes, you just need your mommy!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah