Archive | January, 2012

In Limbo

31 Jan

So, I had a crazy weekend; the kids were with soon-to-be-ex-husband (STBEH) for the weekend. I did a bunch of work around the house. Cleaning, sanitizing, vacuuming, washing laundry, changing sheets. Trying to get the house clean since the kids have been sick for the last few weeks. The problem with this type of cleaning is that it isn’t that noticeable – not like picking up the clutter. Although I knew I had worked my tail off, it wasn’t too noticable! So frustrating! But, I know my kids have a clean house.

I shopped all day on Saturday – looking for some items to orgainze my home office; I work full time from home; I run a small business and I write this blog – I obviously have a multi-purpose office. I have TONS of paperwork. I got a lot organized in there, but still have a long way to go. One of my favorite things I purchased are these hanging pocket folders; I bought teal, and they are a nice punch of color on the wall. And practical for holding stuff. I am using one for the kids’ school stuff and one for my company. Mostly follow up things that I don’t want to permenantly file away just yet! They are working out great!

Work has been insane – so busy, and so much to do. I have also completely re-worked the entire way that I am organizing and following up on work things. It seems to be working so far; although, I have only had one full day to test things out! Lots of color purple and green file folders, teal hanging folders – making the office more cheerful!

STBEH is causing a lot of stress for me. He acted like a real jerk on Friday, and we got into an argument about it. It is so tough. He really wants to work things out; I really cannot see that for us right now. Those conversations are so tough. I am trying so hard to keep our relationship positive… for the sake of ourselves and our children. I feel strongly that we are bonded together for the next 18 years or so so we need to make the best of it, and salvage the relationship so that we can move forwad in a positive way. I think, ultimately, we could be good friends… we are now, but he is trying to work things out. I worry that may change after the divorce.

Living in limbo is tough. I feel like I cannot make any decisions to move forward until everything is final. But, he is keeping us in limbo, wanting to work things out. This makes me very anxious about things. I don’t know where I will live, where I will go, and I can’t really make any plans because now, I have no idea when he will agree to move on. I just want some closure; I feel really held back and constrained in my life because I feel kind of stuck in this place where I can only plan certain parts of my life. It is so stressful. It will be stressful when the decisions need to be made as well.

Watching the Today Show this morning. I don’t know why 911 tapes are ever made public!

Welcome to my journey.

Sarah

Weekend

28 Jan

This has been one hell of a week. I missed so much work being home with sick baby. Catching up the past two days has been so hectic!

My kids are with their dad this weekend, and I already miss them so much that my heart hurts! I cannot wait to see them on Sunday.

I have no plans… Just get a bunch of things done around the house. And, there is so much to do around here, as usual.

With both kids being sick in the last few weeks, laundry is piling up and I have piles all over- dirty, clean, folded, to be folded… And a load in the dryer!

I’ll be so happy to have the house in good shape for them to come home too!

Welcome to my journey!
Sarah

20120128-103220.jpg

Enjoy the Small Moments…

26 Jan

Life can be so overwhelming and stressful sometimes; luckily, it is also happy and magical at the same time. In the midst of the stress and angst of the divorce, mixed emotions, and sick kids, I also am reminded of how blessed I am. It’s hard… my baby boy is so sick right now with a severe cold, double ear infections and double pink eye. He feels and looks rotten. Yet, he is such a trooper, and is such a sweet and loving baby. My sweet daughter had a great morning this morning – no yelling, no arguing, just did what she needed to do. I really do find joy in these small things, and I am making an effort to look for them more frequently, to notice them, and to make a point to tell my children when I see these successes… no matter how small.

Sometimes, all of this stress can be so consuming that I forget to stop and appreciate the moment, no matter how crazy. I love these kids and I am going to help them get through this, and they need to see me happy, loving and silly. And I need to do a better job of slowing down, and giving them the attention they need. I sometimes become so focused on all that needs to be done that I don’t stop to play or tell a story or play with a doll/truck/whatever. It is so much easier said than done; so easy to get caught up in all the things I have to do. But, when I let go of that, and really give my kids what they need, I am rewarded and energized so that I can be more productive in other areas of my life. It makes me better at everything else too.

After school is tough, and I am trying to make that transition a little easier as well. We just have a couple of hours between the time she gets home and bed time, so how to manage that time – do homework, make/eat dinner, play, free time… So much to pack in, and it gets hectic.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Sick and Tired

24 Jan

Y’all, my baby is sick yet again. Here’s how the last few weeks have looked:

  • nasty upper respiratory infection of some type for baby boy hit today
  • stomach bug last week for baby boy and mild version for me
  • pink eye last week for big girl
  • strep throat a month ago for big girl.

I am ready for my kids to get better

I had to stay home with baby today, which meant that I didn’t get much work done. So, I’m starting off the week already behind! In addition, it is highly likely that I will be taking him to the doctor tomorrow (more work missed). And I have an appointment on Thursday morning. Seeing a trend of missed work here? Oh my goodness! Seeing some long nights this week to get caught up!

I am exhausted, and don’t have any brain cells left to write much more this evening.

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Transition is Tough… Especially on Kids

22 Jan

It’s late and I am tired, so I apologize in advance if this is a little rambling! 

Soon-to-be-ex-husband came over today to get big girl to take her bowling.  They had a Daisy troop daddy/daughter bowling event today.  He came over a little early to replace the batteries in the smoke detectors (which was too kind, and I recognize he didn’t need to do that for us).  Big girl was out of sorts all morning; she was nice,  but defiant at the same time.  I can’t really describe her mood – very clingy and needy, and upset by the smallest things.  But as long as things were going her way, she was sweet as pie and very agreeable.  It just didn’t take much to throw her off this morning.  I knew something was wrong, but she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell me what it was.

She was so excited to see her father when he arrived.  GIANT hugs for him.  I had just put the baby down, and decided to take a nap since I hadn’t slept well last night.  Also, I wanted to give them some time to hang out before they left.  They had a great time at lunch and bowling.  When they got home from bowling, big girl had a really tough time.  We told her should could not do Wii bowling or dancing or anything else on the TV, and she became hysterical. 

 I think transitions are tough on everyone, but especially kids.  Her entire mood and demeanor changes when it is time to go from me to him and back to me.  I think it is very stressful on her poor little self.  This is so terrible.  I. hate. divorce. 

This week, I had even given some crazy thought into trying to reconcile; my soon-to-be-ex-husband is having second thoughts; my daughter is having a tough time going back and forth.  I am the only one who is happy with this decision, and it started to feel selfish.  But, tonight just reaffirmed my decision.  Sometimes, we can get along well; sometimes, it is difficult for us to be in the same room together.  Tonight was tough, at least for me.

It makes me so sad that I (and soon-to-be-ex-husband) get to move on with life once this is finalized, and my babies will be the ones to suffer.  My babies, those precious children whom I absolutely adore, and would do anything to protect, are going to suffer due to my decision.  That is a hard pill to swallow.  I love them so much, and would never do anything to intentionally harm them in any way.  However,while the divorce may be harmful in some ways, I also feel that it is harmful for them to see their parents in an unhappy and loveless marriage.  I want better for my kids, and I want them to be loved and safe.   I just want them to be alright, and I don’t want this divorce to damage them irreparably.  I will always carry this guilt with me, I guess.

I am mourning the loss of a family I had hoped for, and it just isn’t working out the way I thought it would years ago.  It’s just going to be different, but okay, I hope.

Hopefully, these transitions will get easier.  My big girl loves her daddy and misses him terribly.  I understand that.  I wish I could make it better and easier for her, but we’ll need some time to make that happen.  This is new for all of us.

I’d love thoughts and/or ideas on how to make these transitions easier for my kiddos.  I remember the back and forth with my parents, and I hated it!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Beeping Smoke Detectors

21 Jan

The smoke detectors beeped until noon today! We were all going a little cuckoo hearing the beeps over and over again… Especially, the poor dog. The high pitched sound almost sent her over the edge!

I got up on the old rickety ladder last night. Each time I even thought about moving, the entire ladder swayed. Of course, the hallway with the beep has 3 smoke detectors and just happens to be in part of the house with 10 foot ceilings. Even with the ladder, I could barely reach them!! Turns out, our smoke detectors take 9 volt batteries, not AA or AAA that I have at home. So, I just removed the batteries, kidding myself for a brief moment that would stop the incessant beeping! WRONG!! I was so frustrated; I just couldn’t take the noise one minute longer. I had just put the baby to bed so I was not about to go to the store for batteries!

I gave in and called soo-to-be-ex-husband to see if he knew where we kept the 9 volt batteries. I was so desperate, I considered for a brief moment asking him to come back! I felt so overwhelmed by this simple task! I kept my cool though. Turns out, he didn’t know where a secret stash of 9 bolt batteries was either.

So, I curled up with big girl in my bed, and watched Beezus and Ramona with her. I closed the bedroom door to try to block out some of the noise. not very helpful! Ultimately, we did both fall asleep. I woke up every couple hour to hear the beeping beeps.

Soon-to-be-ex-husband came by today to take big girl bowling. He fixed the stupid smoke detectors; I slept!

Note to self… Buy a new ladder and keep 9 volt batteries on hand!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah

Uh Oh! Noises!

20 Jan

Ummm… Well, I didn’t seriously consider this little problem!  I mean, I thought about it, and just as quickly, I dismissed it.  But, this morning, I am faced with a difficult challenge in the regular maintenance of this house.

I got EIGHT hours of sleep last night!  Did you see that?  Yes, you read it correctly… EIGHT, uninterrupted, sweet hours of sleep!  It was fantastic.  I woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm… and a beep.  Beep.  Beep.  What is it this time?  Not the burglar alarm like it was a few nights ago.  Not the coffee maker.  Not the refrigerator.  Doesn’t sound like a toy.  What could it be?

I went to get the kids up for school.  The beeping got louder; I looked up at the ceiling.  The smoke detector is out of batteries!  Um.  Really?  I have never actually changed the smoke detector batteries – not that I can’t.  I just don’t want to.  That’s one of those things that is normally my husband’s job.  Before the separation, he would have been home on Friday mornings, and would have fixed it first thing – not without complaining and prodding, but it would have been done.  However, it has been beeping for at least 2 hours, and it still continuing to beep.  I won’t even get to it until after I take the baby to school.  OH MY GOSH!  What a pain!  I’ll have to lug out the ladder (did I mention I am afraid of heights), and figure out how to take the stupid thing apart to put the batteries in.  Changing the batteries in the smoke detector is never as easy as it seems it should be!  Ugghh!

I could write a whole series of posts on the noises in this house.  Maybe I will!

Welcome to my journey!

Sarah